Archive for the ‘ Reversals ’ Category

Blankness and Joy

Have you ever felt completely blank; uninspired, uninteresting and unintelligible? I feel that way today. I want to write an amazing blog post that will explode minds, expand horizons and elevate consciousness. Instead I’m drawing a blank. This is one of the rare moments in my life when I have nothing to say, or at least nothing I’m willing to write on a public blog. So in desperation, I am going to turn to the Tarot and pull a card to inspire me. I drew the Page of Cups reversed!

Legacy of the Divine Page of Cups

My first reaction was “Oh great, a freakin’ court card!” Court cards can be something of a pain in the butt to interpret on occasion. Then I thought about it a bit more and laughed. I got the sense the Tarot was telling me to stop being such a crybaby and grow up! Of course you have things to write about, just look into your heart! So I did.

At first I was still drawing a blank. Then I realized there are a few things lurking around in there that I can share. I’ve been doing some work lately about determining my heart’s desire, my deepest, truest heart’s desire. Like a lot of folks, I’ve been acculturated to think that my heart’s desire rests in possessions, wealth or status. It doesn’t. For years I rode that horse and it finally died of exhaustion. My life experiences over the past six years have shown me that money may help relieve some stresses in life but it genuinely does not bring happiness.

Instead of yearning for things I cannot possess (especially right now), I’m looking deep within to learn more about myself and what truly makes me happy. For too long I allowed myself to be distracted or convinced myself that I wasn’t really interested in things that truly nurtured my soul. What the hell happened to me? The same thing that happens to so many of us – we think that growing up means giving up all the things we loved as children. Well I say to hell with that! It’s time for me to revisit those childhood things that brought me joy like coloring, writing poetry and talking with gods! I want to find new things that fill my heart with joy too like learning a new skill or refining an old one. I can do it! So can you! So what if people tell you to grow up, nothing says we have to listen. Let’s embrace that inner child everyone talks about so much. Let’s find ways to reconnect with that child-like sense of wonder and whimsy we had when we were young. Let’s play Kick the Can (for those of you who don’t get the connection, this was the title of a classic Twilight Zone episode)! Who knows what benefits we’ll uncover!

Greenman Oracle Saille/Willow

In divination, Saille can suggest a need to connect, listen to, or honor the ancestors, dead or alive. It may also draw attention to timing and flow, what currents are being joined or resisted.

Magically, Saille can be used for anything that flows. It is good for timing; knowing the proper moment for action. Saille is also good for moon-related work. For healing, this fid can be used in work for cleansing or encouraging blood flow, and for menstruation. As willow bark was the original source for aspirin, this fid is also good for pain relief.

Linked Concepts:  Ancestors and messages from the ancestors, death, the realm of the dead, time, tides, knowledge of time and proper timing, denial, impurity, music, honey and mead. (Erynn Rowan Laurie – Not Your Mama’s Tree Ogam)

What do I need to be listening to right now? 3 of Cups R, 4 of Wands R + Prince of Swords (DruidCraft)

DruidCraft 3 of Cups DruidCraft 4 of Wands DruidCraft Prince of Swords

As I drew each cards a voice in my head gave me a message. For the 3 of Cups it said “not your friends”. For the 4 of Wands it said “not your hubby”. For the Prince of Swords it said “listen to your brain”. Hmm, that almost seems to easy – my preference has always been to listen to my own mind, my own intellect and usually the messages I get send me in the other direction. So for once I can follow through on my own instincts.

Of course it’s never that easy. This message is also telling me that I really already know the answer to this question. I know what I need to be doing – not partying, celebrating and feasting (or generally engaging in unhealthy lifestyle choices). I need to get smart and start doing what I already know is in my best interests. I need to knuckle down and develop the discipline I need to follow this path. I don’t need to charge blindly ahead – in fact that would undermine the entire process. What I need to do is plan and follow through on those plans. I need to come up with a strategy that will help me stick with this new plan. I need to stay motivated and inspired – whatever steps needs to be taken.

I can really suck to know the answers because it means I’m lying to myself; deluding myself. I’m always in search of shortcuts (who isn’t?) but in this case (as with most other) the shortcuts have just lead to a lot of wasted effort and little results. I have better luck wishing for a genie to blink everything in order.

I need to accept that I am an addict. My addiction is sugar and carbs and there is not getting around that. No tricks I can use to make it better or allow me to cheat a little. I need to give it up completely. Otherwise all my efforts to make changes will prove fruitless and futile. Why waste my time and energy? It’s ironic that I know once I can get past a certain point with no sugar, I’ll stop craving and missing it but getting to that point has been a long, long haul. I realize that if I want to spend the remaining years of my life in good health and be a vibrant active woman then I need to get this crap in order and knock it off. I don’t doubt it will be a challenge but hopefully I’m up to it.

Green Man Tree Oracle Quert/Apple

Today I drew the fid Ceirt.  Erynn Rowan Laurie writes this:  Ceirt, along with h-Úath, is one of the most challenging ogam feda. Its meaning of a rag or a shrub links it in my mind with the practice of tying rags to clootie trees in Ireland and Scotland as an appeal for healing (McManus uses the “shrub” or “bush” definition, while Meroney suggested that the word was translated as “a rag”. I found the connections between both of these suggested meanings useful enough that I have chosen to use both, though Meroney’s definition is probably not correct.). These trees are often found at sacred wells or on fairy mounds, and are significant for being very much associated with Otherworldly beings and energies that can be fickle and unpredictable.

The apple, on the other hand, is often associated with the Otherworld in its most positive aspects. In fact, one of the Irish Otherworlds was named Eamhain Ablach, the Realm of Apples. It is one of the favored mythological foods throughout the Celtic islands, not unlike hazelnuts. Found on magical branches and eaten in Otherworldly feasts, the apple looms large in insular Celtic myth.

The complex of meanings surrounding this fid often point to intense frustration and even self-destructive activity. When it comes up in a reading, be careful of sudden changes in fortune or capricious individuals. It’s associated with bad luck and with psychological problems, but because of its linked association with clootie trees, there can also be an element of hope to this fid that h-Úath lacks. In divination, it can point to a situation of poverty or illness that is temporary, or to setbacks in a person’s life or situation.

Misfortune, frustration, poverty, illness, and bad luck are part and parcel of Ceirt’s chthonic current. A need for caution or retreat may manifest here, reflecting difficult physical or emotional circumstances. You may be approaching a situation with timidity, damaging yourself in the process. Look to the surrounding feda for clarification of your situation. When dealing with difficult people, malice may be involved; be sure it is not your own. Be very careful that you are not acting as your own worst enemy.

Linked Concepts: Poverty, illness, fleeing, retreat, madness, insanity, ill luck without total loss, psychological issues and problems, the hope for healing from illness or madness.

So I asked Tarot:  Where in my life am I frustrated? 9 of Cups, 4 of Swords + Prince of Pentacles R (DruidCraft)

DruidCraft 9 of Cups 53 DruidCraft Prince of Pentacles

So let’s see, I’m frustrated in having my wishes granted, getting some true rest and moving forward to manifest my goals and desires. Gee, isn’t that just grand! Okay I’m being facetious but the reality is that this is a pretty accurate description.

My wishes are fairly simply right not but not very likely to happen because I want my life back. That is just not in the cards right now. How appropriate that this fid is associated with frustration, misfortune and even madness because those words are an accurate description of how I feel right now. The lordly figure on this card seems to be celebrating his good fortune, surveying his wealth and gifts. I can’t do that right now. Not that I don’t have blessings (I do and I’m grateful for them). It’s simply that I can’t focus on them. It’s hard to appreciate the good things in your life when the frustrating, exhausting ones are more assertive.

The 4 of Swords points out that I’m frustrated because I feel as though I get no rest; not time to myself just to think. Meditation, study, even simply pondering life are difficult right now. I suppose it isn’t fair to say it’s impossible but it’s extremely challenging. I wish I had time to sit in the lea of a tree and think important thoughts.

The Prince of Pentacles reversed is reminding me that I’m frustrated by my own lack of progress. It’s one thing to be cautious and practical in one’s pursuits and endeavors. It’s another to be stuck in place and never move forward. I can’t shield or protect myself from what is going on in my life but that doesn’t meed things should stay at a standstill. That might be the most frustrating aspect of all.

I can’t say these frustrations are surprising. They reinforce what I already know. Assessing these frustrations with an impartial eye might help me figure out how to change them. I realize that won’t happen all at once but taking even a baby step will help change this dynamic and perhaps lessen some of this frustration.

These cards have also reinforced something that’s been bothering me lately – my tendency to avoid. I am starting to believe I’ve raised avoidance to an art form. I’ve always been a procrastinator. In fact throughout high school and college I was notorious for waiting until the last minute to complete assignments (unless I was working as part of a team). I always received good grades so the incentive to change this behavior just wasn’t there. My hubby used to joke that if I actually applied myself I’d have a 4.0 GPA. I just wasn’t that motivated to try any harder. AT my core, I think I’m rather lazy.

This laziness is a rut, a defense mechanism. If I don’t actually try anything then I can’t actually fail at it. It’s a ridiculous response to this situation but at the same time there is a certain logic to it. The problem with is that I still end up feeling like a failure. I am a smart, accomplished, caring and loving person. I can be funny and generous and I can be harsh and judgmental (in other words I’m perfectly human like everyone else). I need to find ways to motivate and inspire myself so that I break free of this rut and manifest the changes of which I know I’m capable.

DruidCraft Prince of Swords

I asked that Tarot one last question about this issue “How can I change this pattern?” and I drew the Prince of Swords. I need to harness my energies, make a plan and stick with it. Planning and follow through are going to be the keys to changing these frustrations. At the same time I need to embrace the messages I’ve received over the past few days about healing. I still have healing work to do on myself and I need to be careful not to beat myself up if things don’t change as quickly as I think they should. It’s a fine balancing act and one that will take effort and focus to achieve.

Green Man Tree Oracle Ailm

When Ailm appears in divination, a new thing is coming into being. Someone may be pregnant or about to give birth, or you may be starting a new project, full of energy and the initial spark of enthusiasm. Your creativity is strong here, and you may find yourself on the brink of discovery, an epiphany waiting to happen.

Spiritually, you may be at the point of initiation, waiting in pregnant pause for that step over the threshold into a new life. It is possible that you are being presented with opportunities for new knowledge and understanding, or beginning a course of study, whether spiritual or mundane. An idea you’ve received may be at a point where incubation, persistence, and endurance are necessary, nurturing its growth for the birth to come, or it may be ready now to bring forth into manifestation.

Linked Concepts: Birth and death as beginnings, the cycle of life, origination, inception, conception, creation, children, pregnancy, initial understanding, epiphany.  (Ogam:  Weaving Word Wisdom by Erynn Rowan Laurie)

What work am I starting? Strength R, 9 of Swords R + 8 of Pentacles (DruidCraft)

DruidCraft Strength DruidCraft 9 of Swords DruidCraft 8 of Pentacles

I’m not sure why but this reading seem a bit ominous to me. Perhaps I’m reading too much into it but my initial interpretation to these three cards is that I’m entering a phase where inner strength, will and fortitude won’t help. In fact it might prove to be a hindrance. The 9 of Swords reversed may be indicating the nightmare is reaching an end but that end won’t be easy. The 8 of Pentacles may be letting me know that my current work is reaching its conclusion.

On one level I wonder if it refers to the situation with my in-laws. Is something due to shift? Is this part of my life going to change? Ailm’s message of birth and death and the cycle of life add an extra layer of meaning here. I don’t see this reading as indicating pregnancy or children – that ship has sailed. It might suggest new creative beginnings but that doesn’t quite fit the cards I’ve drawn.

I think these cards are giving me a heads up, a warning. The change might not be in the immediate future but it is coming – possibly within the next few months. I realize that the mother-in-law’s death is inevitable (it’s inevitable for us all) but I think this reading is telling me it’s time to start making preparations – both mental and physical. The work I am starting is to make sure those preparations are begun and hopefully in place by the time they are necessary.

Green Man Tree Oracle NGetal

“When nGétal appears in divination, it suggests that health is or should be a priority now. It may indicate the danger of injury when paired with h-Úath or other challenging feda. In positive readings, it may suggest that an injury or illness is healing, or that a course of treatment for a chronic health problem may be going well. It can be a reminder to watch your health or to get something checked on that you might otherwise consider minor. It is a very hopeful fid to draw for those who are ill, as it implies active and progressing healing and the restoration of health and wellbeing.

Linked Concepts: Wounding, death, beneficial magic, healers and doctors, good health, wellbeing, regeneration, hope.” – Ogam:  Weaving Word Wisdom by Erynn Rowan Laurie

Based on the insights offered in Erynn’s Ogam book, I asked the Tarot this question:

How can I start healing myself? Prince of Pentacles R, 7 of Wands + Justice (DruidCraft)

DruidCraft Prince of Pentacles DruidCraft 7 of Wands DruidCraft Justice

I see the reversed Prince of Pentacles as telling me that I’m going to slow; being too plodding. It’s one thing to be cautious and well-prepared; another to procrastinate. I’m procrastinating. I know what steps I need to take to improve my health but I’m putting them off. Avoidance will cure nothing. If I want to manifest good health in my life and heal my body then I need to take action. I don’t need to go from zero to 60 in 10 seconds flat but I at least need to start making a few changes.

The 7 of Wands is telling me I need to be more fierce and vigilant in guarding and defending my personal space and time. Yes, I’m in a situation where I need clearly defined alone time – no internet, no cell phone and no in-laws. So far I’ve been putting my needs in this area as very low on the priority list, something easily ignored or put off until later. I need to stop doing that for my own mental health.

Justice is reminding me that balance and fairness are important. I’ve lost sight of that. To be fair to the in-laws, I also need to figure out ways to meet their needs for physical and intellectual stimulation too. Maybe a walk outside or watching the ducks would do it. Sometimes the mom-in-law can’t focus on things like that but it’s worth a shot. Of course it would also be a good idea to make sure I’m meeting my own needs for physical and mental stimulation. Watching TV and browsing the internet are all well and good but they should be kept to a minimum.

I think I’m finally getting on the right track. If I take it slow and easy I think I’ll eventually reach my goal. I sometimes have a tendency to want immediate results and when that doesn’t happen I quit. It’s time to change those patterns because clearly they are not working for me.

Green Man Tree Oracle Quert/Apple

Ceirt, along with h-Úath, is one of the most challenging ogam feda. Its meaning of a rag or a shrub links it in my mind with the practice of tying rags to clootie trees in Ireland and Scotland as an appeal for healing (McManus uses the “shrub” or “bush” definition, while Meroney suggested that the word was translated as “a rag”. I found the connections between both of these suggested meanings useful enough that I have chosen to use both, though Meroney’s definition is probably not correct.). These trees are often found at sacred wells or on fairy mounds, and are significant for being very much associated with Otherworldly beings and energies that can be fickle and unpredictable.

The complex of meanings surrounding this fid often point to intense frustration and even self-destructive activity. When it comes up in a reading, be careful of sudden changes in fortune or capricious individuals. It’s associated with bad luck and with psychological problems, but because of its linked association with clootie trees, there can also be an element of hope to this fid that h-Úath lacks. In divination, it can point to a situation of poverty or illness that is temporary, or to setbacks in a person’s life or situation.

Linked Concepts: Poverty, illness, fleeing, retreat, madness, insanity, ill luck without total loss, psychological issues and problems, the hope for healing from illness or madness.”  (Ogam:  Weaving Word Wisdom by Erynn Rowan Laurie)

After reading these passages, I realize it’s time to face some facts.  Engaging in self-destructive behaviors as a way of dealing with my current situation is pointless and harmful.  It improves nothing.  So I asked the Tarot :What traps me in cycles of self-destruction?”   I drew Cernunnos R, 10 of Wands R + 8 of Swords R (DruidCraft)

Okay, I’m getting it. It’s my own fault. Well fault is too harsh a word but this feeling of being trapped is because of how I’m approaching this situation. I’m limiting myself and binding myself to certain pathways. As a result I am narrowing options that might be available to me. As a result I become frustrated, feel trapped and become self-destructive. The fact that I feel trapped is because I feel certain obligations to carry this burden (10 of Wands R) and I’m doing it the hard way rather than exploring other options or resources that might be available.

I think Cernunnos is reminding me that I am a traditionalist. I like holding to the old ways. In this family, that means the elderly and infirm are cared for within the house. Of course when that was the tradition there was a much larger familiar circle to rely on for assistance. Now it’s all falling on the hubby and me. It’s too much for just too people. Looking at the shadowing horned figured watching over the naked couple sleeping in the forest, I was struck by the sense that I’m being watched and judged by our ancestors and they strip us bare. They can see beneath the platitudes we tell ourselves and see our true feelings; the good and the bad. They know that we’ve done the best that we can. They also know that we are worn out.

The 8 of Swords reversed is telling me that I’m not facing my own bullshit here. If I believe I’m trapped and restrained it’s because I’m not being realistic and seeing things as they are; all the possibilities and permutations out there.

Yesterday a friend pointed out that maybe I keep drawing reversed cards because I’m not really listening to their message. I think she’s right. I’m blowing smoke up my own ass and it’s starting to irritate. If I truly want to change this situation then I need to stop lying to myself about what I think about it and how I’m viewing it. Yes, I can keep going in this same direction. If nothing else, my maternal line are quite good at carrying burdens long past the time when common sense tells you to let it go (10 of Wands R). I think we have a bit of a martyr complex in our blood. I don’t want to continue that pattern.

The bottom line is that if I want to break this cycle of self-destruction I need to change my attitude and mindset. I’m my own worst enemy because I can find ways to justify, rationalize and intellectualize pretty much anything. What I’m not good at is listening to my heart, trusting my emotions.

I’m still working on improving my relationship with Cups and with myself for that matter. It’s been so long since I’ve known the secrets of my own heart that I almost forgot I had any. I think that was part of the Princess of Cups message to me yesterday. I need to do more spiritual and healing work so that I can reconnect to that aspect of myself. I’m not just a brain with a love for shenanigans and burst of creativity and energy. I am a physical being whose body deserves love and appreciation. I am an emotional being allowed to cry, become angry and feel betrayed and forgotten.  It doesn’t matter how much I try to claim otherwise, even I know I’m just fooling myself. It’s time to face some facts and make some changes. Then again I’ve said that before too but I like to think each time I state it I’m taking a step closer to manifesting it.

Yesterday I asked myself this question and drew the King of Vessels (Heron) from the Wildwood Tarot.  Today I asked “What else can I do?” and drew the 8 of Stones.  Here are my thoughts:

Wildwood King of Vessels

As soon as I saw this card I got the sense that I need to let the heron’s bill pierce my heart.  This card seems especially appropriate because I’ve felt the heron’s energy in my life lately.  We’ve been visited by one several times over the last few months.  He tends to visit when the weather is grey and rainy; a ghost barely visible in the misty day.

I looked up Heron in Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak and learned that it represents self-reliance and self-determination.  They also straddle boundaries to some degree – connecting with the earth and water at the same time.  Seeing this card appear in my reading made me think that I needed to embrace the Heron’s energy more in myself.

I don’t get the sense that my focus should be on manifesting this energy in the world or for others.  It’s about channeling it into myself.  Allowing my to embrace the Heron’s energies.  I have been self-reliant and self-determined for many years.  In fact I can get downright prickly about it.  Perhaps the Heron is reminding me to embrace these qualities in myself and suggesting I find ways to straddle some boundaries of my own.  I’m not sure how just yet but it’s pointing me in the right direction.

Wildwood 8 of Stones

This is about planning to me.  I need to take stock, assess my skills, interests and desires and then create a plan that will allow me to pursue them.  Now is not necessarily the time to take action, it’s the time to take stock.

I’ve already been doing that in small ways – weeding out clothes, books, music, even Tarot decks that I don’t need anymore.  It’s time to release some things into the world.  At the same time I need to bring in some new things.  I definitely need a new wardrobe (I haven’t bought anything new in some time).  Before I start on a buying binge I want to come up with a strategy so that I’ll know what I really need rather than falling prey to a pretty color.  Too often I just feel the urge to buy something and end up with items I’ll wear only once.  I don’t want to waste that kind of money anymore (I can’t waste that kind of money anymore).

I want to take stock of what I’m truly interested in manifesting in my life – what do I want to do with myself?  It’s been some time since I’ve even considered it and my previous path no longer holds any interest.  I don’t need to rush into anything but I do need to take time and make plans, prioritize and strategize before manifesting.

Wildwood 9 of Stones

Looking at this Cernunnos-like figure sitting at the center of this card I was struck by two things:  I need to reconnect to my spiritual traditions and I need to not get held back by being outside the protective circle of the stones.  I need to reconnect with my roots and foundation while at the same time reaching for the stars or thinking outside the box.  In other words the way to maintain my sanity right now is to find my own path and not be held back by expectations or “supposed to”.

This is an important message for me because I have a tendency to try to do things “the right way” and then castigating myself if I fail.  Dealing with this type of situation is entirely new to me.  I’ve never had children and never been in the role of primary caregiver for someone who was entirely dependent upon me.  I must say I don’t like it much.  However I am also determined to do the best I can for both my in-laws.  To some extent that requires me to forge my own path.

I have a quirk in my nature that doesn’t allow me to follow paths created by others.  I may enjoy exploring their route and learning about how they chose the path and what they learned.  However at the end of the day if I haven’t forged my own way through the wilderness I don’t value the lessons.  I need to viscerally experience the process to gain the most benefit.  This even applied in school – if I did not hand write notes in class I found it much harder to remember the lessons.  Simply studying the texts or other’s notes was not as helpful as the simple act of writing.  It’s as though the physical act transferred the information to my brain cells and made them more available to access later.

One way I have decided to both go back to classic traditions and forge my own path is the concept of French Chic.  I think some Americans (especially women) tend to idealize the French and the stylishness and chicness of French women.  I am in no way impugning either of these traits, however I think they need to be taken in context.  French women are who and what they are because they are in France.  An entire culture is woven around them to support their lifestyle.  America is different.  We can certainly incorporate certain elements of French (or actually I suspect European in general) lifestyles but in some cases it’s just not practical.

For me, the key element of French chicness and style is to simplify; take the time to fully appreciate every experience and enjoy every moment in your life.  Instead of complaining about the routine, day-to-day drudge work that often seems to fill our days, see them as the foundation for a wonderful life.  Understand that without those daily chores and tasks, our lives would become a chaotic mess.  This is where I need to focus my energies.

Right now I feel as though my current situation is sucking the life out of me; killing my soul.  If I start to focus on these daily chores as essential to maintain the foundation of my life perhaps I won’t feel such resentment.  At the same time I need to embrace the idea that taking care of myself is just as essential as these daily tasks.  It’s not frivolous or shallow or pointless.  It’s beneficial and helps me maintain my equilibrium – quite a worthy endeavor in itself.

Tarot of the Masters Youth of Cups Tarot of the Masters King of Swords

I was inspired to ask this question after reading an email from SARK.  It struck me that I have the same tendency to miss out on the unexpected sweetness in life.  I think sometimes it’s so easy to lose oneself in the morass of negativity the surrounds us and drown in the doldrums of modern life.  It’s almost as though we’re afraid to focus on the positive or joyful things.  In fact I’ve even heard folks express the opinion that if we focus on the positive we open ourselves up to the possibility that a capricious and mean-spirited deity will take it away from us.  That seems a rather sad way to live one’s life.

I had to smile when I saw these cards.  They reinforce that the simple answer is to listen to my inner voice and look within myself; listen to my heart and turn off that left-brained overly intellectual side.  That doesn’t mean I need to abandon that side of myself simply that it needs to be given less prominence than it’s gotten in the past.  The way to reconnect with my more child-like, simple joy in life is to stop focusing on and demanding rational and logical approaches to things.

The Youth of Cups is seeking answers in the chalice she cups in her hands.  She trusts that the answers she seeks will be found within.  She does not require external validation or logical explanations for the wisdom she seeks.  The King of Swords holds a book in one hand and a sword in the other.  He is the master of logic, rational thought and skillful communication.  He is the epitome of the left-brained person.  The scientific mind raised to exaltedness.  If it cannot be replicated and verified then the knowledge is not honored.

For years I’ve worshipped at this altar.  I didn’t trust my intuitive side; my instincts were suspect.  If the knowledge arose from my psychic side I ran from it as though it was some sort of evil clown.  I couldn’t and wouldn’t trust it.  Now I’m much more comfortable with my intuitive, psychic nature but I’m taking baby steps.  It’s still very early in this process.

Drawing these two cards reaffirms that I’m moving in the right direction.  The way to embrace, celebrate and enjoy the unexpected sweetness in life.  I am learning that rather than mourning what is gone and clinging to the past, I’m happier when I can remember it with joy and still be open to new moments of unexpected sweetness.  If I focus too much on what is gone I miss out on those opportunities to celebrate the small joys and unexpected sweetness in life.  I need to trust my heart and be an optimist.  It can sometimes be fun and funny to be cynical but it does not allow for much appreciation of the small things in life that make us smile.  Sometimes it so easy to lose sight of what is good, sweet and joyful in life.  These cards offer me a way to keep them in my heart.

Old Path 5 of Rods Old Path 4 of Cauldrons

The 5 of Wands once again.  I drew this at least twice while working with my previous deck (Book of Shadows As Below).  In fact I’m pretty sure I drew the 4 of Cauldrons at least once with that deck too.  Obviously these two cards have a message for me that I either haven’t acknowledged or haven’t acted upon.

On level the 5 of Wands speaks to me of wasting energy in a pointless battle.  It’s about scuffles that aren’t important and don’t really matter.  It just siphons off energy that can be used more productively and more beneficially.  The 4 of Cauldrons shows me two people drowning their unhappiness in a surplus of liquid forgetfulness.  Their unhappiness and dissatisfaction with their lives is almost palpable although it’s also clear they intend to take no action that might change this.

Both these cards are reversed in this reading which suggests I’m not addressing these issues myself.  I believe they connect to the current situation I’m living as caregiver to my in-laws.  On some level I am so angry about this that I cannot accurately describe how I feel.  My life has been put on hold and I feel as though they are vampires siphoning off my energy and essence.  I am nothing, no one.  I am merely the one who cleans them, feeds them and makes sure they’re safe.  This does not even have the benefits rearing a child might because there is no growth, no improvement.  It’s simply a slow, numbing march towards death.

Well-meaning friends and family compliment me on how selfless I am to do this.  I don’t feel selfless, I feel resentful and pissed off.  I am doing this because I feel it is the moral, ethical, “right” thing to do.  It might not be the case for everyone but it is for me.  That doesn’t mean I don’t hate it sometimes.  I feel trapped and suffocated.  I think this is reflected by the 5 of Wands reversed.  I am struggling against a situation I cannot change (granted it is my decision but that doesn’t make it easy or fun).  It also reinforces the fact that I need to find a creative outlet for this energy before it becomes toxic.

The 4 of Cauldrons reversed shows the inevitable progression if I don’t make some changes.  I’ll become increasingly unhappy and dissatisfied; drowning my sorrows in junk food or other unhealthy behaviors.  I think I’m also tired of pretending I okay with this situation.  I’m no martyr or saint.  I’m just a poor shlub doing what I think is right, even if I hate it.

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