I recently completed an inner labyrinth journey using the Majors and Aces from the Dark Goddess Tarot. It was very transformative and magical and left me very excited to continue. So I have decided to work with Runes. I’ve dabbled in them for many years but have rarely focused on them in a more serious, structured manner. I started working with Runic Half-Months and drawing an additional rune each day to help me better connect with the energy of the rune of the half-month. Then I draw two Tarot cards for additional clarification and insight.

One thing working with the runes has made me think about is personal and ancestral wyrd or fate. How do the patterns woven by our ancestors play out in our own lives and in the patterns we now weave? I’ve always found it interesting that in ancient Norse mythology and belief the future is viewed as “that which is becoming”. It is not something set it stone; it changes and shifts according to our current actions. We literally create what will become in our lives by changing that which is right now. That is powerful. It takes our future out of the hands of some distant, impartial deity and places it firmly in our own hands. Now for some folks that is not a blessing but I embrace it wholeheartedly.

Dark Goddess Stars Spiderwoman

Of course it then made me wonder how my own family’s wyrd has impacted my ancestors and me. I’ve mentioned before that seeing the patterns woven through the tapestries of various family members’ lives has helped me forgive and let go of certain childhood pains. It has also made me aware of certain patterns that permeate my family line through generations. Substance abuse is a very strong thread as is abusive relationships of various stripes. On a slightly more comic note, the women in my maternal line seem to have a pattern of marrying relatively useless men and then needing to work to support them (this is a thread I have pulled out of my own tapestry).

Dark Goddess 3 of Earth

My family is not cursed but we certainly have made a hobby of being oblivious to how our own choices echo those of our ancestors. Perhaps if we were more cognizant and aware of the patterns we could have made better choices. Of course it’s never too late to change the patterns and weave a different tapestry. The true curse in any family history is the inability to see how you can change it in your own life. Instead we create self-fulfilling prophecies and tell ourselves it was inevitable and nothing we did would have changed anything. I think that’s bullshit! Every change we make in our lives today will change how our story continues. If we believe we are condemned to repeat the mistakes of our ancestors then that’s what will happen.

Lover's Path Justice

I have decided that I’m going to continue pulling out those threats that taint my tapestry. Like Penelope in The Odyssey, I will not allow my fate to be determined by anyone but me. I’m going to make sure that which is becoming in my life is beautiful, joyful and worthwhile. Perhaps things won’t always be easy but I don’t think that was ever part of the program. I have to do what I think is right for me. It might not be easy but I’ve got quite a stubborn streak (that was inherited from my maternal line too).

Last night I was watching an episode of Bewitched in which Darren Stevens once again demands Samantha stop using witchcraft. Most of the time I don’t pay much attention to his tantrums because you know somehow they’re going to be ignored anyway, but last night it really hit me. Perhaps it was because of a conversation with a friend during which we discussed deliberately dimming one’s light for a spouse, or parent or other loved one. It made me realize what has annoyed me about Bewitched (and to a lesser degree I Dream of Jeannie) for many years.

As a child I simply thought Darren Stevens and Major Nelson were silly not to enjoy the benefits their partners’ magical abilities could bring. I always though it would be wonderful to have such powers! As an adult woman facing impending cronehood I see it from a very different perspective. What I see now is a woman whose special gifts are being deliberately denigrated by a loved one. In both these examples it’s a husband/partner who does the damage but in reality I suppose it could be anyone we care about – a friend, a spouse, a sibling or even a parent. How many time in your own life have you deliberately downplayed a talent so as not to hurt the feelings of someone else?

On one level I find it outrageous that Darren Stevens feels he has the right to tell Samantha anything. She’s a grown woman and his partner not his child, but of course these shows were made at a different time with different attitudes and expectations about such things. Even if Darren or Major Nelson didn’t demand their magical partners not use their gifts, they could just as easily convey the same message by subtle emotional blackmail. Have you ever found yourself restraining your gifts so that you don’t insult a friend? I remember times when I would play trivia games with friends and I would deliberately miss answers because I was afraid they’d be insulted if I won again. Of course the implication is that if I keep defeating a friend at a game they won’t be my friend anymore. As an adult I don’t believe this has happened to me (or at least not very often) but I clearly remember times as a child when someone wouldn’t play with me anymore for similar reasons.

To be perfectly fair, I suppose there have been times when I had a similar effect on someone else – friends and family who were reluctant to share their good fortune with me because I might feel envious. I think incidences such as these are part of all relationships. I suppose the key to them become too much of a problem is to simply be aware of and address them. However these relatively minor incidences aren’t really what I mean. Samantha Stevens Syndrome is a persistent, consistent effort by a loved one to restrain, destroy or limit one’s gifts; an external force exerting pressure for us to conform.

I think that’s the part I find most offensive – the implication or outright statement that we must conform and confine ourselves to do so. I see it most frequently in women but that might be a generational thing – perhaps it has become a more equal opportunity offense now. How many assertive, outgoing, aggressive women have I seen tone themselves down in order to be more accepted and viewed as more traditionally feminine? I was very lucky in that my spouse has no problem with my pugnacious, aggressive side – in fact he enjoys it. However I can’t say that other men I’ve met in my life felt the same way. I’ve noticed that I have an especial problem with male authority figures – the Emperors of the world. I tend to lock horns with them, perhaps because I challenge their assumptions and they push my buttons. It’s a no-win scenario all around. Of course realizing it and changing the behavior are two very different things. I accept that my attitude limits me in ways that conforming would not but I’ve accepted that.

Pearls of Wisdom Sun

So I guess the takeaway from this post is simply to put it out there – have there been times in your life you’ve had to dim your own radiance, downplay your gifts for someone else? IF so , maybe now is a chance for you to reclaim and celebrate those gifts.  Let’s stop hiding our talents, our gifts, our beauty and our brains because of the tyranny of others!

Losing sight of my dreams

Dark Goddess 2 of Water

 

Over the last two weeks, during my Dark Goddess labyrinth journey with Arianrhod/The Moon I’ve drawn Lorelei/2 of Cups three times. This makes me realize that there is a subtlety to her message that has been eluding me. The majority of the cards I’ve drawn along with Lorelei have been either Cups or Majors. This tells me that one of the challenges she’s pointing out is that the next major shift/life lesson for me will involve my dreams and emotions; two things I’ve lost touch with over the years.

When I looked over these cards they forced me to reflect on the fact that I truly don’t know what my dreams are anymore. I had dreams when I was a kid, although as with most childhood dreams they were mostly vague, nebulous and unrealistic (like wanting to be a princess). As I grew older my dreams became more practical and less connected to what my soul desired. I wanted a job that I enjoyed that paid me well. I wanted things – computers, clothes, etc. I wanted to attend college. I wanted to be the director of the recreation center I attended as a child. Of these goals, only the last one felt connected to my spirit. The rest were either to prove my worth to others or so that I could silence my spiritual ennui with stuff. It worked for a while but eventually cracks appeared. Even achieving the last goal was ultimately not as satisfying as I had hoped, a;though I was glad I manage to accomplish it.

Considering the Lorelei’s appearance with The Moon, I realized that I haven’t even tried to connect with my dreams or my inner desires in a long time. Feelings of betrayal and disappointment had caused me to dismiss them as worthless and pointless. Of course this left a huge hole in my soul. I didn’t realize it until I sat down to write this. It began to occur to me that without dreams we have nothing to look forward to in the future. Instead it becomes a vast, desolate wasteland; an endless barrenness that one tries to avoid at all costs. It explains my rigid and stubborn resistance to change. At least if things are familiar they offer a certain level of comfort and consistency, even if we don’t feel a sense of excitement or joy. Unfortunately this very sameness makes it difficult to get up every day. Who really wants to live a same shit/different day existence?

The Lorelei’s song is luring me to a land of dreams and desires; a world of hope for the future. That is a scary, unfamiliar world indeed. I don’t know what I’ll find there but just making the decision to follow it is encouraging me to decide to plan for the future. It is making me feel more alive and creative and excited. That terrifies me and exhilarates me at the same time. I want to dance to her song but not get crushed on the rocks. Of course the truth is that nothing in life worth doing is without risk. I’ve been avoiding risk for a long time (or at least telling myself that I”m avoiding it) but the reality is that I’m deluding myself and it’s time to stop.

Tarot Epiphanies

I love when I have epiphanies while doing something Tarot related. The other day I was reading a post on a FaceBook group about spirituality and Tarot. For some reason my brain clicked into overdrive and I suddenly realized something – one of the reasons I’ve been so resistant to establishing myself as a professional Tarot reading is because I do see Tarot as a spiritual tool. Charging money for spiritual work has always seem vaguely wrong to me, as though I’m prostituting a gift (just my opinion and no comment on anyone else’s choices). Or at least this is what I’ve often told myself.

While thinking about it I realized that I have invested as much time and effort into improving my Tarot skills and knowledge base as I did into completing both my masters degrees. Investing that much time, effort and money into something and then not using it is ridiculous. However this has been my pattern in the past, but no more! I feel a new determination to change my mindset about this issue. It’s time to at least make an attempt to create a successful career for myself as a professional, paid Tarot reader.

So instead of struggling with feelings of inadequacy as a reader or feeling that charging for readings is somehow sacrilegious, I’m going to start working on a plan. Right now I think email readings are the best option for me. It allows me flexibility to do readings when it’s convenient for me (usually late at night or early in the morning). I also don’t have to worry about one of the in-laws having a freak-out moment in the middle of things. Phone, instant message or Skype readings would be problematic for that very reason. I can do this, I know I can. My focus now will be on revamping my web site so that I have a page from which potential clients can learn a little about me and order a reading if they’re so inclined. It’s a baby step in the right direction.

I am a magical manifesting machine!

I was having a pity party kind of day today. You know, one of those “would you like some cheese with that whine?” type of day. Between the weather, family obligations and other annoying crap I was in a lousy mood. I hate being in a lousy mood because I really can’t indulge myself. I can’t sink into a real pity party kind of day because I have things to do that can’t be put off or avoided (believe me, I’ve tried).

So while washing away my crappy mood in a nice, hot shower I had a bit of revelation – my life is not that bad. Granted, right now it’s stressful and restrictive but I am fully aware that this is a temporary (albeit long-term) situation. I’ve also been feeling old I’m 48 and will be 49 in a few months. Most of the time it doesn’t bother me but every so often (such as when I realize the stars of my favorite TV show weren’t born until after I started high school), I feel a bit ancient. I don’t feel old and when I look in the mirror I don’t see myself as “old”. I don’t look the way I did at 18 but then again, who does? Well I suppose it’s possible but it usually seems to involve a lot of plastic surgery and/or other cosmetic procedures. I’m too lazy to dye my hair. I know I’ll never put in the effort needed to maintain it. I should eat better and exercise more but overall I feel good. Realizing that triggered some other minor epiphanies.

I realized that I am a magically masterful manifestor. When I focus on what I’ve achieved in my life I have to say I’ve done well (even if I am being modest about it). One of my dreams was to become the director of the recreation center I attended as a child. I achieved that goal several years ago. I have always known I wanted to attend college. I not only attended college but I have completed two masters degree programs. When I was working towards my degree in forensic psychology, my grades were good enough that I was eligible to participate in an accelerated program that allowed me to complete my BA and MA in the same amount of time. I was able to complete a Master in Public Administration while at my last job so that it was paid for by the agency. I have been happily married for 29 years this April. I have wonderful and supportive friends and family who are always offering to help when I need them.

All of these facts made me realize that when I focus my energies on something I usually manage to achieve my goals. Sometimes I get lost in feeling frustrated and trapped but in reality I have been able to manifest a reality where I can take care of my in-laws. It’s not perfect but that’s not surprising. I want to start generating income offering Tarot readings via email. Once I am ready to do this, I have no doubt that I will find the way to manifest this goal too.

What’s wonderful is that I don’t think I’m more gifted or special than anyone else. I think the reality is that we get so caught up in what we perceive is lacking in our lives that we lost sight of what we have. We spend so much energy feeding that mindset, we lose the power to make it so. We get lost in our own personal 5 of Cups moments – unable to move forward because we can’t let go of what we believe we’ve lost. Let’s all stop doing that. Instead let’s take a page from SARK’s book and act as thought what we desire has already happened. Maybe if we fake it until we make it or “don’t dream it, be it”, we’ll find it easier to manifest our dreams. Maybe if we stop focusing on our failures, losses and frustrations, we’ll free up our energies to make our dreams come true. Let’s all turn into magically manifesting miracles (I was going to say “mofos” but that just sounded stupid to me).

So now the pity party is over and I’m revving up my engines to start manifesting some magic, miracles and major mojo! Watch out world, here I come!

Yesterday I asked myself this question and drew the King of Vessels (Heron) from the Wildwood Tarot.  Today I asked “What else can I do?” and drew the 8 of Stones.  Here are my thoughts:

Wildwood King of Vessels

As soon as I saw this card I got the sense that I need to let the heron’s bill pierce my heart.  This card seems especially appropriate because I’ve felt the heron’s energy in my life lately.  We’ve been visited by one several times over the last few months.  He tends to visit when the weather is grey and rainy; a ghost barely visible in the misty day.

I looked up Heron in Ted Andrews’ Animal Speak and learned that it represents self-reliance and self-determination.  They also straddle boundaries to some degree – connecting with the earth and water at the same time.  Seeing this card appear in my reading made me think that I needed to embrace the Heron’s energy more in myself.

I don’t get the sense that my focus should be on manifesting this energy in the world or for others.  It’s about channeling it into myself.  Allowing my to embrace the Heron’s energies.  I have been self-reliant and self-determined for many years.  In fact I can get downright prickly about it.  Perhaps the Heron is reminding me to embrace these qualities in myself and suggesting I find ways to straddle some boundaries of my own.  I’m not sure how just yet but it’s pointing me in the right direction.

Wildwood 8 of Stones

This is about planning to me.  I need to take stock, assess my skills, interests and desires and then create a plan that will allow me to pursue them.  Now is not necessarily the time to take action, it’s the time to take stock.

I’ve already been doing that in small ways – weeding out clothes, books, music, even Tarot decks that I don’t need anymore.  It’s time to release some things into the world.  At the same time I need to bring in some new things.  I definitely need a new wardrobe (I haven’t bought anything new in some time).  Before I start on a buying binge I want to come up with a strategy so that I’ll know what I really need rather than falling prey to a pretty color.  Too often I just feel the urge to buy something and end up with items I’ll wear only once.  I don’t want to waste that kind of money anymore (I can’t waste that kind of money anymore).

I want to take stock of what I’m truly interested in manifesting in my life – what do I want to do with myself?  It’s been some time since I’ve even considered it and my previous path no longer holds any interest.  I don’t need to rush into anything but I do need to take time and make plans, prioritize and strategize before manifesting.

Wildwood 3 of Bows

The hooded figure on this card holds up his hand as he stands before a large tree just beyond two staves planted in the ground serving as a gateway.  Is he greeting me or warning me back?   He seems to guard a path that splits off behind him.  Is he a guardian of the crossroads?  How does his energy merge with the energy of this card?

The keyword on this cards is fulfillment.  In traditional Tarot interpretation it is often seen as representing projects or creative endeavors coming to fruition; seeing the fruits of our efforts come back to us.  In this card I get a sense that this hooded man is both guardian and guide.  Our efforts have brought us to this point but now the choice to go on must be made and he is there to remind us that all choices carry some peril with them.

Behind him on the left side the road seems to dip a bit lower while on the right it rises up.  Will the lower path take us to the Underworld?  For me, today, that is the sense I am getting.  With each week that passes I get a stronger sense that shadow work and embracing the dark side is becoming more important to me.  There are dark sides to myself and to the world that I still need to explore.  I’m very curious about this dark side.  I’ve always been partially drawn to it but I resisted its call because part of me felt that I needed to stay on a more “normal” path.  I was already odd enough without adding a layer of darkness.

I have been known to joke that I’m as deep and mysterious as a babbling stream.  To some degree this is true because this is the persona I don when I interact with people.  I’ve tried being more withholding and aloof but it never seems to work.  I think it’s a defense mechanism that I developed over the years to hide my shyness and genuine introverted nature.  As a child I would much rather lose myself in books of fantasy or mythology than interact with peers.  With rare exception, I just didn’t get it, I didn’t understand kids my own age.  I still don’t understand many of the drives and desires that motivate my peers.  Although there are times when I desire company and people, most times I am find being alone.  I find myself seeking answers to supernatural phenomenon and mythical creatures such as Sasquatch and UFOs.  I’ve already mentioned my fascination with serial killers and criminal behavior.  The darker side of human nature calls me.

I remember many years ago when I read The Mists of Avalon that Viviennne (at least I believe it was Vivienne) mentions that there are four faces to the Goddess and that Morgause manifested the fourth face – the dark mother.  This concept has called to me since.  As a child I understood Medea’s choice to kill her children in revenge for Jason’s betrayal.  As an adult I understand the rage and pain that drove Betty Broderick to shoot her husband and his new trophy wife.  I am not condoning these behaviors but I do understand them.  I identified with Persephone as Queen of the Underworld.  The need to separate from one’s mother and forge an independent identity (even if it is somewhat forced upon you) resonated with me.  I connect with Sekmet’s rampage through Egypt until she is calmed by blood-colored beer.  Even now I am (in many ways) dealing with death and dying on a daily basis.  I have walked through many dark places both internal and external and emerged transformed.  Maybe the message for me today is that my focus needs to be on finding a way to use those experiences to help and heal others.  It’s a lot to process.

Blue Rose Magician

Blue Rose Tarot
Created by Paula Gibby
Published by Soul Guidance

The white-faced, leering visage of this Magician is at one frightening and comical.  Is he an illusionist or a trickster?  Is to he to be feared or followed?  Is he mad or a genius?  I think he is all of these things and none of them.  He controls the appearance of reality and can trick us into seeing what he wants but not necessarily what is true.  A rainbow shoots forth over his shoulder.  Is it from his wand?  Is it from another source?  Is it even really there?  The only way we will ever be sure is if The Magician admits his tricks.

Magic, when done well, can fill us with wonder and amazement.  The slight of hand and distorting of reality takes us to a place of wonder and lifts us out of our day to day reality.  Sometimes it can even freak us out, especially if the magical working seems impossible.  Is what we see truly happening?  For that matter, what is it that we’ve seen?  It can be difficult to know what is real during a magic show (at least if the magician is truly skilled).

This Magician reminds me that sometimes we fool ourselves.  We have the skill and drive to create the reality we desire but sometimes we fool ourselves and create the reality others expect from us instead.  Are we tricking ourselves or truly working magic in our lives?  The Magician reminds us that we have the power to control our fates but it can be quite scary to wield that kind of power.  We can create rainbows and maybe even find the gold at their end but first we need to be truthful with ourselves.  We need to release the illusions we hide behind, take off the face paint and accept who we truly are and what we want our of our lives.

That’s what makes this Magician appear so frightening – he reflects our own fears, self-doubts and ambitions back at us.  He shows us what we expect and what we might achieve.  He represents our potential and our reality.  The question is do we want to create our own magic or let ourselves be deluded by the tricks and illusions of others?  Accepting the tools and focusing our energies to create our reality can be daunting.  It requires us to stop blaming others or circumstances for our failures.  It means realizing that if something goes wrong it is the result of our workings.  Many people are frightened of taking this step but if we aren’t willing to take it then we are subject to the whims of fate.  That frightens me even more.

Transformational Tarot Magus

The Magus
Transformation Tarot
Created by by Arnell Ando
Published by US Games ISBN:1572815396

This Magus is true magic man.  He reminds me of a DJ spinning a spell with each record he plays.  He weaves a tapestry of truth and fiction, of reality and fantasy with a deft hand sweeping his listeners along for the ride.  He uses the songs available introduce us to all the amazing possibilities of human experience.

This Magus doesn’t play the music for anyone else; she does it for herself.  Her primary goal is creating the musical magic that is an expression of her heart and soul.  She is also a trickster who breaks down walls that divide us through the songs she plays.  She channels her powers through the music and out into the world helping to create the reality she desires.

How can I embody this Magus’ energy?  Surrounding myself with sights and sounds that express who I am and who I want to be,  Music is one powerful tool to do this.  So is drawing, writing and dancing.  I can use them to channel my energies in ways that will help me manifest my desired reality.  What magic is more powerful than that?

Hidden Realm 8 of Pentacles Hidden Realm Faery Stallion

It took me some pondering but eventually I decided the 8 of Pentacles R shows me that instead of focusing on external products and stuff (toys), focusing on what I’m manifesting internally is one antidote.  It can help me get out of the mindset that I don’t have enough money.  I am what I’m minting right now.  I am the golden coin that will be produced at the end of my labors.  Instead of losing sight of that getting distracted by things, I need to stay focused and keep my eyes on the end goal.

The Faery Stallion reversed is a reminder that I have little control over what goes on in the outside world.  If I want to steer the course of my life then I need to worry about how I interact with the outside world; how I play that game.  If I decide not to play it that’s fine as long as it’s a conscious decision and not apathy.  Looking at it I was reminded of the old 70s song Wildfire.  If I want to ride off into the unknown on my stallion I can do that.  I just need to set my mind towards that goal.

To ward off despair, I think these cards are telling me I don’t need to play the money game or be part of the system.  I can find my own path that might be less traveled but no less successful for me..  They both tell me that the antidote to despair is not becoming distracted by other people’s definitions of success, achievement, etc.  I need to work on myself and plot my own course regardless of what “the world” thinks.

It is my choice if I give in to despair.  I may not have control over various situations in my environment but that doesn’t mean I need to let them beat my spirit.  In reality the only thing that can defeat me is me.  Despair can only claim me if I allow it to do so.  If I want to live a happy, joyous and fulfilled life then it’s a matter of priorities and focus.  I can choose to focus on what I don’t have and what isn’t there or I can celebrate and embrace what is.  I may occasionally give in to bouts of bleak despair but I think my nature is such that I refused to let it defeat me for long.

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox

Join other followers:

%d bloggers like this: