Archive for June, 2011

 

The Chariot symbolizes being totally in tune with a fast-moving process or event; aware of the tolerances and limitations of the situation and understanding instinctively how to act and react in order to direct or affect movement from within.  It can be about immersing yourself in the situation so you can exert control over it and direct its course.  The more immersed you are in the transition or growth process, the more involved you are with the energies and harmonies of the change, the better you’ll be able to see and direct them.

“Positive:  Events are moving quickly but you understand the situation well enough to know, instinctively, how to act or react.  you know how to handle yourself within the situation, so go ahead and immerse yourself in the current transition or growth process.  The more you are involved with the energies and harmonies of the changes, the better you’ll be able to use and direct them.
Upright:  You are in a situation where transition is occurring at an amazing rate.  You are completely involved and attuned to the fast pace of the changes that are happening in your relationship, home, career or worldly situation.  You sensitively shift, balance, and react to participate in keeping things moving.” – Gail Fairfield

This is the second time this month I drew The Chariot.  Obviously there are still more facets of its message and energy that I need to absorb.  Looking at the figure on the Legacy of the Divine Chariot, I was struck by how confidently she steers her horses.  One hand is holding aloft a glowing staff while the other is on the reigns.  She seems to feel that she doesn’t need both hands to control her direction and steer the chariot along the course she desires.  The fact that the horses are charging ahead over a body of water suggests that she is also on top of her emotional nature.  She knows how to move beyond areas that might make me feel in over my head and lost.  She embodies a sense of self-control and determination that I want to emulate.

Unfortunately most of the time I feel more like the white rabbit appears on the Rabbit Tarot Chariot – a bit nervous and scared.  She is steering the team of goats but one gets the sense that all has gone well up to this point because they have all wanted to move in the same direction.  If the rabbit decided to change course and the goats were not in agreement, I think we might have a problem on our hands.  In the past, I have often felt that I drifted along with winds of fate and things worked out for me.  When it was up to me to decide what direction to take I often felt paralyzed and fearful.  In fact I feel rather like the jock played by Emilio Estevez in The Breakfast Club.  There is a scene where he describes how disconnected he is from what is happening in his life.  He has been guided by his father’s and coach’s desires for him to be a successful wrestler and go to college.  His feelings about all of this are irrelevant.  He even describes himself as a race horse that has no input into what decisions are being made about his life.  I can completely sympathize with this sentiment.  I have often allowed the opinions and suggestions of others to carry more weight than my own.  Enough is enough, I’m tired of feeling this way and living my life this way.  I am slowly starting to reclaim the decision making in my life and take a more active role in steering my course, but it’s a slow process.

On a positive note, the pair of goats on the Rabbit Tarot Chariot card reminds me of the Norse god Thor.  Thor also drives a chariot pulled by goats (of course his are magical and can be eaten at night and be magically made whole again by his hammer).  And goats are associated with the zodiac sign of Capricorn.  I have a lot of Capricorn energy in my life.  I have a Capricorn Moon.  My hubby is a Capricorn Sun and Moon.  My mother has a Capricorn Sun.  My father-in-law, brother and grandmother were all Capricorn Suns.  I also have a number of dear friends who are Capricorn Suns.  So I have seen this energy in action and it can be quite impressive.  One quality I have to give to Capricorns is that they don’t quit.  They don’t take no for an answer.  Instead they decide on a course of action and do whatever it takes to reach that goal.  This is a trait I want to start embodying in my own life.  I’m tired of letting things be guided by the whim of others.  It’s time to embrace my Capricorn Moon and start steering my life in a way that will let me achieve my goals.  I don’t want to be a scared rabbit anymore.  I want to be the self-confident and determined woman steering the Chariot on the Legacy of the Divine card.  And the first step to achieving that goal is to start believing in myself.  If I don’t believe in myself then how the hell can I expect anyone else to do so?

 



 

The number 3 symbolizes the generative force, creative power, multiplicity, and forward movement.  They are about planning and preparing, putting the details into place before beginning the work.  Coins are associated with the material world, acquisitions of wealth and possessions, our connection to Earth and Nature, sensation, matters pertaining to the physical plane, the body, health and physical or sexual activities.  Pentacles can also be connected with practicality, groundedness and being realistic.  The 3 of Coins represent sharpening professional ability; successful effort using creative and practical skills; and new undertakings that bring material rewards.

“You are clarifying the kind of security needs that you really have.  You’re defining the things that give you that inner sense of safety and groundedness.  You’re preparing to take action that will make you feel more connected with the earth.” – Gail Fairfield

Looking at these cards I was struck by the thought that I’m not working as diligently as I could be.  This is not especially new information for me but the cards are reminding me that my lazy habits are not appropriate at this time.  The white rabbit on the 3 of Daisies card seems to be displaying the 3 daisies she has gathered to us for approval.  It’s almost as though she’s seeking positive reinforcement.  Her face seems to be saying “did I do good?”  How many times in our lives have we felt that way after we’ve completed a task?  When we’re at the apprentice stage we often seek approval and guidance from those with more experience  The problem arises when we get stuck at the apprentice stage and don’t allow ourselves to move further along the path.

The craftsman on the Legacy of the Divine 3 of Coins seems more mature and confident in his skills.  He is deeply engaged in his work and does not seem to be seeking anyone else’s approval.  Whether he is creating these works of art for a customer or just for his own satisfaction, his dedication to his craft is evident in every line of his face and body.  His focus is apparent and one gets the sense that disrupting his work would not be a wise move.

In my life, I seem to be perpetually stuck at the same stage as the white rabbit on the 3 of Daisies – a perpetual student/apprentice always seeking the approval of the professor.  Every year when I attend events like Readers Studio, I begin to doubt my skills and my self-confidence gets rattled.  Despite the fact that I’ve always received positive feedback from my partners, I just don’t have the confidence in my skills.  The sad thing is that I’m not even sure why this is.

I realize that on some level, any skill that I find comes to me with minimal effort is one I don’t value as much as I should.  Even when I’ve spent a significant amount of time working on honing that skill,   Another issues that still needs some work is the fact that I regularly need external validation.  The fact that I believe I am skilled in a certain area doesn’t count for much unless someone else tells me it too.  I’m like a cat that needs perpetual stroking to feel appreciated.  Even I grow annoyed at myself for this trait.  It is especially important to work on this if I ever intend to become a successful Tarot reader.  The fact that I possess the skills is one things.  However if I can’t market myself and believe that my skills are worth something to someone else, then how can I convince potential clients of that fact?

 

 

Aces symbolize beginnings, the start of something new and the seed of new growth.  Pentacles are associated with the material world, acquisitions of wealth and possessions, our connection to Earth and Nature, sensation, matters pertaining to the physical plane and the element of earth.  Pentacles can also be connected with practicality, groundedness and being realistic.

“You are planting seeds for a new home, job, career, or form of security.  You may be getting a new sense of how to work with money , and finances.  You may be getting some urges to begin a new physical regime or a new direction in your health.” – Gail Fairfield

I love how confused the Ferret on the Ace of Pentacles appears.  He is holding what appears to be a large coin but apparently doesn’t know what it’s for or what to do with it.  At the same time, the ferret seems clear about his intention of holding on to his newly acquired prize.  This is a new experience for him.  Perhaps he has never had money before.  There is certainly no reason to think that a ferret, in the normal course of its life, would have any need for coins.  Somehow this ferret found one and plans to keep it.

The Ace of Coins in the Tarot of Dreams shows a muscular man with a gold breastplate rising above the forest treeline holding aloft a golden coin with a green gemstone at its center.  A mature buck with a full rack of antlers stand before the forest.  Both men appear to be at the height of their masculine powers; able to manifest their desires into reality.   There is a sense that a change in power has taken place here.  Perhaps these two powerful masculine figures have only recently achieved their success.  Having routed all opponents, they are claiming and embracing their newly acquired powers and authority.

Both cards offer a different take on the traditional meaning of this card.  The Ferret Ace of Pentacles offers a sense of new financial opportunities and fiscal growth.  The Tarot of Dreams Ace of Coins offers a view of someone just beginning to come into their own in a physical sense.  Having reached physical maturity and the height of their prowess, these two figures are ready to start manifesting their dreams and desires into reality.  They are ready to claim the power and authority they worked so hard to achieve and are ready to move forward and run with it.  I almost get the sense of a knight who has achieved his quest and fulfilled his dreams of being crowned king only to realize that a new adventure and destiny awaits in his new position.

We often thing of “happily ever after” as the end of the story.  What it really signifies is the end of that leg of the journey.  Once the prince and princess marry and become king and queen, an entirely new set of challenges, obstacles and opportunities await them.  They may no longer need to outwit witches, slay dragons or find hidden spiritual objects, but how they have to rule wisely and ensure their people have prosperous, abundant and healthy lives.  This may be a less active, exciting and dangerous tasks, but it is no less important.  It requires a level of maturity and practicality that the younger, more idealistic and energetic prince would have possessed.

COTD – 7 of Wands R (Dreams & Ferret)

 

The 7 of Wands – triumphantly defending yourself; holding off all attackers; confronting your problems; facing adversity; dealing with challenges. All of these terms can be applied to the 7 of Wands. It is a card of triumph over adversity, or at least being willing to attempt to triumph over adversity.  Wands are usually associated with the element of fire, inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the “spark of life”, and action.  The number 7 in many cultures is a sacred number (think of the 7 chakras) and is the number of divine and earthly harmony, of fate and transformation.  The 7 of Wands often symbolizes standing up for what you believe in and defending your principles.

“You are experiencing who you are on a variety of levels.  You recognize that you are not just one self, you are many selves.  Now, you are being more flexible with ways that you name yourself.  It’s stimulating to imagine yourself as a variety of different people.  Others may not see your multiple selves but you enjoy them.” – Gail Fairfield

So I’m not fighting off outside forces, I’ve been resisting embracing who I really am or at least accepting that there are facets to me that I’ve previously preferred to avoid.  I guess the time has come for me to acknowledge and recognize that I do have a more nurturing, softer side.  This is very frightening to me and in the past I’ve fought off this knowledge with a determination and vehemence that was ferocious in its intensity.  I was like the stubborn child who covered her ears and closed her eyes all the while denying what was right in front of her.  And gods know I can be very stubborn and persistent in holding on to my views, especially when they concern me.

So maybe one of the lessons I have to learn at this point in my life is that I don’t need to only be a one-trick pony.  I can still be the smart and smart-ass me but I can be more as well.  I don’t need to fight off my softer side.  In fact doing so might be negatively impacting my creativity.  Maybe I need to tap into that side of myself in order to feed my creative spirit.  I’ve done the Swords things for a long time.  In fact there are days when I think I can do it in my sleep.  And I can manifest Wands energy with relative ease and little discomfort.  Cups energy has always made me suspicious.  Trusting my intuition, being emotionally open and supportive and listening to my inner voice has always seem fraught with peril for me.  I’ve fought off those softer emotions with every fiber of my being.  In my family they symbolized weakness and manipulation.  And I don’t ever want to be that way.

As I grow older I realize I don’t have to.  I can stop fighting this pointless fight and start embracing these aspects of myself.  I can be like the ferret in the Ferret 7 of Wands – celebrating and partying!  He has achieved his victory and now is the time to share the accomplishment with others.  That is something I’ve often avoided.  When I completed both my masters degrees I did not attend the graduation ceremony and no parties were held.  Maybe I need to learn to be less afraid to share my achievements and victories with others; to let them in instead of fighting to keep them at a distance.

At a class given by Rachel Pollack, I drew the 7 of Wands in response to a question about how I interact in personal relationships and this card made me realize that I’m very combative and try to keep people at a distance.  If I don’t let them within my personal perimeter then they can’t hurt me.  But it also means I can’t have deep, intimate friendships.  My husband managed to get beyond the perimeter because he is more persistent and tougher than I am.  And once he got inside, he convinced me to let my guard down.  I don’t want to force people to go through that just to become my friend.  I need to be willing to let down those defenses and be open to what can happen when I let other in.  Thankfully I’ve made some wonderful friends over the years who have also embodied this energy for me so I know it can be done.  I’m just a slow learner.

 

 

COTD – The Empress (Dreams & Ferret)

 

The Empress is the 3rd card in the Major Arcana.  She is a symbol of feminine strength and power.  She represents the power of creativity, fertility and abundance.  She is an especially powerful symbol for females – showing that women don’t need to act masculine in order to be strong.

“Positive:  It’s appropriate or even necessary to be involved with healing and nurturing now.  You have the strength and awareness to protect or heal yourself or others.  Go ahead and do it.
Upright:  You are nurturing someone else.  The nurturing can take a very obvious or tangible form.  This could involve giving a massage, holding someone, bringing over chicken soup, or leaving someone alone if that’s what she needs.  it could also take the form of giving someone loving energy in an intangible form.  The card implies that you are aware of what she needs and able to give it to her.” – Gail Fairfield

As I looked at this card today and considered its message, I realized something.  I have been embodying a number of Empress traits lately.  The trick was realizing it.  I usually consider the Empress as an archetypal representation of “feminine power”.  She does symbolize fertility, creativity, abundance, etc.  However she also embodies nurturing, caring, and mothering.  Now granted, in the past those words would have sent me screaming in the other direction.  I’ve spent most of my life avoiding situations that required even the least bit of these traits from me.  But over the last 2 years my mother-in-law’s declining mental state has put me in the role of mothering her.

I have had to care for her in such personal and intimate ways that there is almost no privacy between us.  The questions I’ve been forced to ask her in order to ensure she is okay passed the boundaries of decency a long time ago.  And as I was helping her with a personal hygiene task yesterday it hit me – this is another aspect of The Empress.  She is not only about producing, creating and giving birth, she is also about tending the sick and nurturing the elderly in their final years.  She is about cleaning up the shit and taking out the trash.  She is about moving passed our revulsion to certain tasks and just doing them because someone has to do them.

The Empress is the archetypal mother – the one who wipes your nose, your ass and wherever else you need to be wiped when you can’t do it and doesn’t hold it against you the next day.  She may not be happy about doing them but she realizes that if she doesn’t, no one else will.  I realize these traits aren’t exclusively feminine in nature (gods know my hubby has been forced to do a lot of the same tasks I have for his mother) but they are traditionally associated with women.  How many men can watch someone get seriously hurt during a sports event and not blink twice.  Ask that same man to change a baby’s diaper and the gagging and revulsion with be epic.

I suppose I’ve avoided seeing myself in this light because my associations with mothering and a traditionally feminine role have not been very positive.  Many of the women I grew up around who were stay-at-home moms did not seem to have much power in the family dynamic.  They were often at the mercy of their husband who was the family breadwinner as thus felt he had absolute control over how and where money was spent as well as having final say on other family matters.  It didn’t occur to me until I got older than many of these relationships were abusive.  It wasn’t until I started seeing more balance and healthy marital relationships that I realized there is equal power in a healthy marriage and family but both partners have to work for it.  It is just as easy for the stay-at-home mother to turn the children against the father who is out working all day as it is for the breadwinning father to treat the wife & mother as if she has no power or authority.

After spending years avoiding The Empress’ sphere of influence, life has forced me to dive into the deep end.  And I”m realizing that there is a deep, soul-satisfying level of accomplishment that comes from being able to help others this way.  It might not garner me accolades and praise from the rest of the world but as long as I know I’m doing the right thing, I can carry that level of satisfaction and deep knowledge that I am doing the right thing with me always.

 

The Chariot symbolizes being totally in tune with a fast-moving process or event; aware of the tolerances and limitations of the situation and understanding instinctively how to act and react in order to direct or affect movement from within.  It can be about immersing yourself in the situation so you can exert control over it and direct its course.  The more immersed you are in the transition or growth process, the more involved you are with the energies and harmonies of the change, the better you’ll be able to see and direct them.

“Positive:  Events are moving quickly but you understand the situation well enough to know, instinctively, how to act or react.  you know how to handle yourself within the situation, so go ahead and immerse yourself in the current transition or growth process.  The more you are involved with the energies and harmonies of the changes, the better you’ll be able to use and direct them.
Upright:  You are in a situation where transition is occurring at an amazing rate.  You are completely involved and attuned to the fast pace of the changes that are happening in your relationship, home, career or worldly situation.  You sensitively shift, balance, and react to participate in keeping things moving.” – Gail Fairfield

When I drew this card today I had to laugh.  All week (heck for the last few weeks) much of my focus has been on how trapped I feel or how restricted my life has become or my own sense of paralysis and inertia.  Even when I am not happy and satisfied with how things are going, I can resists making any changes.  I like things to stay the same; for the status quo to remain unchanged.  Changes shake up my security tree and I just don’t like it.  Having said all that, after my complaints and moaning about how out of control my life feels, today the universe sent me The Chariot as my card of the day, my spiritual message from the Divine.  Who said the Universe doesn’t have a sense of humor; that the gods don’t love a good joke?  Not me!

I think this card is a reminder that I’m the driver here.  I’m the one mapping the course, choosing the road and actually steering the damn chariot.  I’m the one who decides if I become roadkill in my own life.  The reality is that change is always going to occur and right now it’s been happening in my life at a haphazard and exhausting pace.  So I can choose to try to take control over the factors that I can or I can get trampled by these out of control horses known as fate.

I’ve always considered fate or destiny as a sort of roadmap – points that must be hit at some time during the course of my life.  How I choose to reach these points or learn these lessons or achieve these goals is up to me.  I can just let things go willy-nillly and hope I can hold on or I can pick up the damn reins and steer this crazy thing called life.  Despite my recent moaning and gnashing of teeth about things, I am not an especially passive person.  I may enjoy my pity-parties but they do not tend to last very long because I become annoyed and impatient with myself.  I think this card is a sign that it’s time to reach that point.

Okay, so my life didn’t turn out the way I’d planned and some sucky things occurred.  That’s how it goes sometimes.  Crying about it isn’t helping.  Feeling sorry for myself doesn’t change anything.  And ranting like a madwoman isn’t making me feel any better.  So I need to start getting focused, taking charge of this situation and moving that damn chariot in the direction I want it to go.  I can do this – despite my lack of use of this particular skill, I do have a driver’s license.

Starting today I’m going to get back into writing my morning pages, doing my daily meditation and just getting my behind up earlier.  What’s the saying – “life is what happens while you’re busy planning other things”  Well I’m tired of planning and never doing.  I can get so bogged down in the planning that I lose sight of the ultimate goal.  So just for today I’m going to try doing things instead of getting caught up in the planning; actually driving the chariot rather than planning the route.  I can do this – I have the skills, I have the knowledge and I have the personality!

COTD – 8 of Swords (Dreams & Ferret)

 

The number 8 represents balance, systems, regeneration and structure.  Swords represent reason, thought, logic, will, courage, verbal skill, matters pertaining to the mind and survival in the world and the element of air.  This card can often suggests that the querent is trapped by her own fears but has the ability to free herself.

“You’re actively organizing or reworking something you’ve said or written.  You’re looking at your lifestyle and activities and finding ways to re-prioritize what you’re doing so that your schedule more closely matches your values.  You’re examining your communication patterns and making some decisions about which patterns you prefer.” – Gail Fairfield

The Tarot of Dreams 8 of Swords shows a nude woman encased in a clear sphere hovering above 8 upright swords.  Her back is to us and she seems to be touching the edge of the sphere but whether she is trying to free herself or test the limits of her captivity is unclear.  On the Ferret 8 of Swords, a ferret is struggling ferociously to free herself from a leash.  Despite the fact that it symbolizes a certain amount of safety and security, it also signifies domesticity and captivity.  Obviously the ferret is not willing to sacrifice her freedom for security.  Of course she also doesn’t realize that is she relaxed a bit more, she might find it easier to free herself from the leash.

I completely understand that feeling – trapped and yet unwilling or unable to free myself.  My entrapment is not because of external bonds but internal ones.  My own inner demons and self-doubts keep me encased in this prison.  It feels somewhat more secure but that’s because I already know its limitations and it gives the illusion of safety.  Limitations can serve a purpose, especially when one is still learning a craft or skill because it can prevent you from harming yourself or others.  But when we impose those limitations on ourselves, then we risk stunting our growth.  I think that is how I feel right now – stunted.  A variety of factors have consolidated in such a way that I’ve let myself become entrapped and leashed.

Now I’m tired of feeling that way.  I need to start challenging those beliefs that are holding me back.  I need to create some structure and establish new priorities for myself.  One of the benefit of having my “world” fall apart when I was laid off is that I was able to move beyond the edge of my world into dragon territory.  Things I did not believe I could live without, I now realize are not essential to my life.  I no longer want to work at a 9-5 job for someone else.  I don’t need that kind of security anymore.  So I have broken beyond some of my previously self-imposed barriers.  Now it’s time to break down some more.

 

COTD – 8 of Coins (Dream & Ferret)

COTD – Ace of Wands R (Dreams & Ferret)

 

 

Aces symbolize beginnings, the start of something new and the seed of new growth.  Wands are associated with inspiration, energy, passion, feeling, enterprise, ambition, matters pertaining to the “spark of life”, and the element of fire.  Skill; creation; the beginning of a project, enterprise, idea, or invention.  Enthusiasm; initiative; energy; the joy of life; sexual vigor; conception; a journey  Reversed:  A false or bad start; criticizing or not using one’s potential; journey deferred; delays and difficulties; failure of an enterprise.

“You sense the potential for creating a new self-image of self-concept.  You can privately name yourself in a new way.” – Gail Fairfield

Reversed – another reversed card.  I’m getting the sense that the Tarot is telling me I’ve got a lot of blocked energy in my life.  The images on the Tarot of Dreams Ace of Wands shows a volcano erupting, suggesting creative energy being unleashed and flowing over the landscape.  Am I that volcano?  Could I be?  Can I glow and shine like the crystal atop the wands, sending my radiance and energy out into the world to help others?  I can feel a part of me, buried very deep for many years, straining to break free; thrilled and excited at the very idea of being that kind of a beacon.  At the same time, a lot of responsibility can come with that.  I think of how many people who put themselves out there as leaders or teachers become targets.  It’s as though we mistrust and dislike anyone who knows more or seems “better” than we are.  Unfortunately there has also been a lot of past evidence that supports the belief that those who set themselves up as leaders are often poor role models and hypocrites as well.

The Ferret Ace of Wands shows an adorable ferret holding onto the trunk of a tree and peeking up at its full branches.  She seems to have a mischievous expression on her face as well as some excitement and anticipation.  It’s as though she can’t wait to see what’s at the top of the tree.  When you consider how much energy and light it takes for a tree to grow, it makes you appreciate just what a miracle it is.  Upside down, the image looks like the ferret is getting ready to slide down a pole into the branches of the tree.  It’s almost as if she’s trying to contain herself; holding herself back.

And that makes me wonder how or why am I holding myself back?  There is a lot of fear and uncertainty in me right now and I’m not sure why.  It’s as if the closer I get to realizing some of my personal dreams and desires, the more frightened and skeptical I become.  The inner demons become stronger, more vociferous and vicious.  It’s as if I feel that on some level I don’t deserve to feel fulfilled and satisfied.  Self-doubts and low self-esteem start to crowd out any pride of confidence at my achievements and accomplishments.  No matter what goals I attain, I don’t value them because on some level I believe that if I can achieve this it couldn’t have been that difficult.  Why do I feel things have to be difficult in order to be valuable?  And why don’t I appreciate the value in what I’ve achieved?  Those questions need more than one Tarot card to answer them.

I also realize that right now, my focus is just not in seeking the answers to those questions.  Lately I feel as though I’m in a fog – distracted and disinterested.  I’ve just slipped into a routine that is suffocating me and I’m not sure how to free myself.  I guess the reality is that I can’t free myself right now.  I think the only way to keep my sanity is to find creative outlets for my energies.  I have to force myself passed these fears and self-doubts and unleash that fire and passion.  Otherwise I risk putting that flame out completely.  And I don’t want to douse that fire.  I don’t want to live a life without passion and inspiration.  I don’t want to become a zombie – just going through the motions, mindless and choiceless.  The only one who can do this is me.  If I don’t make some changes now, I risk becoming exactly what I fear most and that would be horrible for me.

COTD – The Hanged Man R (Legacy & Rabbit)

 

The Hanged Man is the 12th Trump in the Major Arcana.  The traditional meaning of this card is self-sacrifice for the greater good, faith in the integrity of one’s actions, a period of waiting or transition and finding knowledge within.  This card can represent the inner journey, psychism and meditations.  It might be suggesting that it might be good to wait for a better time to make a move.  Be patient and wait for the right opportunity or energies to manifest.  Wait for external circumstances to be right.  When the time is right, you’ll know and be able to take full advantage of the situation.

“Negative:  You’re waiting for the perfect time, person or circumstances.  Your dream of that perfect time is a little unrealistic and if you keeping waiting for it, you may never act.  Waiting for a “better opportunity” is inappropriate right now.  No more procrastinating!
Reversed:  You’re waiting for yourself to be ready.  External circumstances may or may not be perfect but that doesn’t matter.  What matters is whether you’re ready, inside, to take this step.  When you’re in the right frame of mind, or emotionally prepared, you’ll take action.” – Gail Fairfield

Oh yeah, I feel like I’m stuck in place right now; trapped and unable to break free.  I think the reversed nature is showing that I may be experiencing a change in perspective but it’s not because I want to do so.  Gail Fairfield’s statement “no more procrastinating” seems right in this case.  I have been procrastinating for years about taking steps to gain more control over my life.  Actually I guess what I am trying to change is my approach to work and generating income.  I want to find ways to generate money that do not involve working for someone else but I keep hesitating.  I’m letting myself hang in limbo rather than taking steps to manifest this or to change anything for that matter.  I think it is time to take action before I suffocate.

Like the rabbit trapped in a snare, I feel unable to get free and as though I’m struggling for my life.  I almost feel as though my air is being cut off and I can’t breath anymore.  The blood is rushing to me head and consciousness is fleeing.  That pretty much describes my day to day existence right now.  I’m finding it impossible to focus on anything concrete because I’m not in control of this situation.  I am at the mercy of an ailing, elderly in-law.  It’s not her fault but it is frustrating.  In fact she may feel a bit like this too.  She has no control over the changes in her life and it seems as though she is conscious of her helplessness and quite disheartened by it.

Oh my, I think I just got a bit more insight into why this card showed up for me.  I’ve been so busy focusing in my feelings of being trapped and helpless that I didn’t consider how she feels.  As difficult as it is for me, it must be even harder for her.  She was always an independent, tough woman.  She hated having to rely on others for anything.  And now she is forgetful and unable to deal with many tasks on her own such as shopping, checking the mail and even bathing.  That must be very challenging for a woman of her generation to tolerate.  She knows she needs assistance but doesn’t like it.

Seeing things from her perspective once in a while might help tone down some of my resentment and self-pity.  At least I do have the ability to walk away.  She doesn’t, not anymore.  And she has a 53 year old son who is disabled and dependent on her.  She is aware of this and worries about him constantly.  That is a huge weight for anyone to bear alone especially at 81 years of age.  Whenever I feel myself growing angry and ready to lose my temper, I need to take a deep breath and remember that as difficult as this might be for me, it’s hard for her too.  That change in perspective might help me keep my sanity.

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