Archive for November, 2012

 

Okay, so yesterday during a friend’s reading for me we discussed The Empress quite a bit because she appeared as part of my current situation.  This led to my comment about feeling like a bloated tick.  Now The Empress appears as my card for today in response to my query.  All this damn untapped potential is causing me to feel bloated and rather like a pinata.

As for the answer to my question – I need to allow all this untapped potential to finally express itself; give birth to the new me if you will.  I also need to be more gentle and nurturing with it.  Creative energy is not something that can be tamed and instructed where to go and what to do.  It has an energy and mind of its own.  Rather than trying to use a more left-brained, organized, logical approach to things, I need to just go with the flow of this energy; allow it to shape me.  That’s a scary thought – giving up a modicum of control over things.  Of course I’ve been trying it “my way” and as Dr. Phil might ask “how’s that working for ya?”  The answer is that it’s obviously not working.  Right now I’m feeling stifled, unenergetic and stuffed.

So I have to take a new, more right-brained approach to things.  I know that I am a tactile person.  So one step I’ve decided to take is to continue working on my Dedicant Program for ADF with pen and paper.  I also need to accept that for the foreseeable future, there won’t be a perfect time and place to do this work.  I’ll have to fit it in when I can.  It might not be easy but it’s certainly doable and I need to do it before all this blocked energy makes me explode.

 

My voice as a Tarot reader is The Empress?  No frickin’ way!!  This stopped me in my tracks because I still have some challenges embracing her energies.  Of course that is my issue, not hers.  It’s taken me a while to see her energies as something beyond Big Mama and to see maternal energies as more than just the self-sacrificing, child-focused mother.  So many of the mothers with whom I’ve interacted are the types who subsume their desires and needs to their children’s.  Their lives revolve around their children and they want to protect their children and shield them from the sometimes harsh realities of life.  This type of mother is anathema to me.  I don’t comprehend her mindset and cannot share her perspective on life.

Of course that is not the type of mother I’d be if I had children (at least I can’t believe I’d be that way based on my personality) and I don’t think the Tarot is telling me to become that type of mother.  I think The Empress is reminding me that there are different types of mothering and I need to find my own unique approach and share that with my clients.  I’m more of a tough love, no nonsense type of Empress.  I will nurture and support but there will come a time when it may cease to be unconditional.  If I feel someone is taking advantage of me or abusing our relationship, I will eventually cut those ties.  I have limits to my patience and understanding.  I also try enable people in unhealthy behaviors (although sometimes I may come off like Roseanne Barr).

I need to find the happy medium – being nurturing and no nonsense, loving and firm.  I want my clients to feel that I’m approachable but I don’t want them to see me as a crutch.  I want to be able to help them through their dark times and crises but I also want them to realize my goal is not to fix things for them.  My focus now needs to be on communicating that to potential clients via my website, informational materials and readings.  Hmm, I must ponder this further.

 

Reacting strictly from a visual impression, my immediate response was that I need to leave behind the feeling that I’m carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders or perhaps what needs to be left behind is the actual weight I do carry.  I can see this card applying either way.  I must admit that right now I feel more like Jason sitting beneath flaming staves while the remains of my ship rots in the harbor – a pathetic reminder of who I used to be.

There is a strong vein of self-pity running through that comment and I know it.  I am feeling sorry for myself and perhaps that’s what this card’s message to me truly is – I need to let go of the self-pity.  My current life is not what I’d envisioned, hoped for or ever imagined.  I had dreams and plans for greatness.  I was on my way to a life of modest accomplishments of which I could be proud and somehow I took a left turn into Maw Maw-ville.  I have been pulled into the world of being a caregiver for my elderly mother-in-law.

I won’t revisit the details (or maybe I’ve never visited them in the first place but they’re irrelevant here) but suffice it to say this is not where I thought I’d be right now.  Then again I suppose no one ever expects to find themselves in this position.  I’m certain that no one plans or hopes for it.  Having found myself in this position, there isn’t a lot I can do to change it – at least not right now.  What I can leave behind is the self-pity.

I need to move passed my frustration and resentment and feelings of being trapped, unappreciated and thoroughly miserable.  It is a thankless task, one that wears relentlessly on my spirit.  If there were some honorable way I could absolve myself of these responsibilities I would.  Unfortunately (or perhaps it’s fortunate), I can’t do that.  I don’t believe I could face myself in the mirror if I packed the in-laws off to an institution.  So having made this choice, I need to find ways to make it a bit easier for me to carry this weight.

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