On some level I have been paying more attention to my own well-being. I’m trying to focus more on my health, appearance and need to “me” time. It’s almost impossible to focus on anything while I’m caring for the relatives. They demand too much of my time and attention. By the time I get home I’m exhausted and just want to get to bed. So I need to figure out something that works for me. This has been an ongoing battle for me and I’m still trying to figure out a practical strategy.
The Tower reversed can indicate a few things. It can be trying to warn me that some crucial insight that will help me work through some of this stuff is being ignored or missed. It might be telling me that a dramatic, earth-shattering internal change is coming and I might want to get ready for it. Or it maybe be reminding me that despite all the dramatic, earth-shattering changes I’ve already experienced in my life no one else shares these experiences (well except the hubby).
It’s one of the toughest things to accept about this situation – no one else is impacted by it the way we are. No one else really cares (well that’s a bit harsh and an overstatement but I think you get my point). Others care because they care about me or because we always care when another human is suffering but it’s a different level of concern and involvement. The other people who should be as impacted by this (other children, grandchildren, etc.) are not here. They don’t even check on things. That is a bitter pill to swallow. It’s also caused a dramatic shift in how I perceive those family members. It might not cause an “earth-shattering kaboom” (as Marvin the Martian might say) but it’s definitely created a shift if my view of them and of how our society handles aging and disabilities too.
Who knows, maybe somewhere down the road I’ll find these become priorities that cause me to become involved in ways that just aren’t possible right now. Maybe instead of one major Tower moment, this card is showing the many minor Tower moments I’ve experienced and reminding me not to minimize their impact on my life, my perceptions and even my health.
The Queen of Pentacles and I have become old friends in the last few years. Although I often considered her the quintessential Earth Mother and Lady Bountiful, I am beginning to see her as much more than that. She takes a practical no-nonsense approach to life. Yes, she will care for others – bring cookies to the fund-raiser, soup to the sick, etc, but she also will call folks on their mishegas. She won’t continue to care for someone long after they should have been able to care for themselves. She will draw the line when she feels enough is enough.
I’m getting the sense that the Queen of Pentacles is telling me I need to be clear about my limitations. Right now I can provide the nurturance and caring necessary for those I love. At some point in time I may reach permanent burn out. I may need to admit that I cannot handle it anymore and it’s time to let go. That doesn’t mean I don’t still care and love them, simply that I can’t provide them with the services they need – at least not on my own.
The Wheel of Fortune shows that eventually all things change. How does the saying go – the only thing constant in life is change? Whether the change will be to my benefit or detriment I cannot know yet. I think this card is reminding me that resistance is futile – and everyone who knows me knows I resist change as though it’s the most horrible thing in the world. As my friend Diane likes to say “your such a fixed Leo”. I can list loads of reasons for this resistance but the reality is that it truly is pointless. All I accomplish is staving off the inevitable for brief time.
So I suppose my lesson today is to remember that even the Queen of Pentacles can reach the limit of her resources and that will bring about changes. I can’t stop those changes but perhaps by approaching them in a more positive manner I can make sure they’re as beneficial as possible for all concerned.
After yesterday’s reading I began wondering if darker decks produce darker interpretations. If I were using a “happier” deck for my readings these past few weeks (such as the Whimsical) would I have felt so lost in a dark place? I don’t know. Did the cards reflect my dark mood or contribute to it? I tend to lean towards the former interpretation. I was drawn to a darker deck, in this case the Bohemian Gothic, because I’ve been feeling trapped in a dark and lonely place. Not a very pleasant sensation but luckily these bouts don’t tend to last very long for me.
Today I actually do feel a bit more optimistic and chipper. Why? I have no idea. I decided to change decks in honor of the Full Moon so now I’m using the Deviant Moon Tarot. It’s still dark but it’s quirkiness modifies the darkness somewhat. The reading doesn’t seem especially hopeful but I think I know exactly what it means and it’s okay.
I feel as though I’m in a dark, lonely space right now. I don’t know if I’ve ever felt quite so hopeless and isolated. This situation with the in-laws just keeps getting worse and everything else around me seems to be going to shit as well. The Tarot cards I’ve drawn over the last few days have not exactly been beacons of hope either. I’m not sure if they’re simply reflecting my dark mood or if they’re trying to give me a deeper message; forcing me to face this darkness and fight to move passed it.
Yesterday I drew the 3 of Swords crossed by The Sun reversed. The day before that it was the 5 of Pentacles reversed crossed by the 10 of Wands reversed. If I focus really, really hard I can come up with fairly positive interpretations for both these readings but my initial reaction to both was rather bleak.
Today’s card only seem to add to the gloom. The 6 of Pentacles crossed by The Hanged Man reversed suggests that I’m going to need to give more and that’s probably not going to change any time soon. Looking at the 6 of Pentacles from the Bohemian Gothic Tarot I am struck by the image of a woman holding a baby while a rather severe looking bearded man stands there staring at her. In my head I get the sense that he is requiring payment of her first-born child for some service rendered. I feel as though I’m in a situation that requires me to give until it hurts and right now it’s hurting a lot.
The Hanged Man reversed reminds me that I’m still in limbo and might be for the foreseeable future. A change in perspective might help facing this reality but that can sometimes be easier said than done. Perhaps part of the problem is the direction I face. If I can turn in a different direction I might see an entirely new set of possibilities and choices. I need to be careful not to get so hung up (ba-dum-dum) on one perspective that other viewpoints becomes impossible to see. Hmm, that actually makes me feel a bit better now. It gives me a place to start. Maybe that will help change the reality too.
Wheel of Change Tarot
Created by Alexandra Gennetti
Published by Destiny Books, 1997
We see an androgynous youth straddling a chasm. His arms are raised above his head. From one hand we see a small fire and in the other she holds a chalice that is tilted downward and spilling its contents. Above the Fool’s head we see four white birds fluttering. They each hold one letter – T A R O. The Fool is dressed in a bright green tunic and leggings with one gold leg and one green. His right foot is bare. He wears a gold belt with a closed red pouch dangling from it. The bottom of his tune is adorned with bells and he wears a spotted scarf knotted about his neck and another at his wrist. A stream of cosmic energy seems swirl up from the chasm and encircle the Fool. Red roses seem to be falling from his arms. On his right side we see a guitar resting, on his left we see a fox near the edge of the chasm. Behind the Fool we see the radiant light of the Sun rising to illuminate the sky.
The Book describes the Fool as symbolizing the experience of feeling you are in exactly the right place at the right time. It may be the beginning of a new journey of life but, like the Fool, you may not recognize what it is. You have all you need to make a success of yourself at your fingertips if you would but look for it. Perhaps you must free yourself from convention as the Fool has done, and like him, accept what comes to you. In this way you may try something completely new and discover that you are rather good at it. Because he has no cares, worries or fears the Fool is symbolic of impulsiveness and even irresponsibility and recklessness. He symbolizes freedom from convention and anew creative vitality in this less restrictive world.
TarotBroad’s Buzz: What I see is a feeling of joy, exuberance and innocence, maybe even ignorance, of what is going on around you. This Fool seems so caught up in the wondrous things swirling around him that he is oblivious to the fact that he is straddling a chasm. There is no fear of the consequences because it doesn’t even occur to him that there are consequences. I see the Fool as representing an attitude and experience that many of us lose as we become more adult. We get so caught up in following the rules and playing nice that we forget to just let go and enjoy ourselves – so what if it’s not politically correct. To me Homer Simpson, the cartoon character, is one representation of the Fool. He just blindly charges ahead with no concern for the outcome and without any worries of failure. It is doesn’t work out – well fine. I am both fascinated and repelled by Homer. I find myself focusing too much on who gets to clean up after this Fool. But of course that isn’t the Fool’s problem is it? And that, to me, is what I need to learn from the Fool. Sometimes you need to stop worrying about how the story ends and just enjoy the ride. To quote Tom Cruise (at least I think it was Tom Cruise) in the movie Risky Business – “sometimes in life you’ve gotta say what the f***”.