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Dark Goddess 9 of Water Dark Goddess Strength

The 9 of Water shows the Lady of the Lake, she who gave Excalibur to King Arthur, beguiled Merlin and reared Lancelot du Lac.  She is both of the water and above the water.  Ellen describes her as the British Goddess of the Quest.  She is a key figure in many versions of the Arthurian legend and in Marion Zimmer Bradley’s Mists of Avalon the Lady of the Lake is a title born by the leading priestess who keeps the old ways at Avalon.

The Lady of the Lake may grant our heart’s desire but there is often a price that must be paid in return – a gift calls for a gift.  She is mysterious and in some ways beyond our understanding because she is not human.  She is fae, otherworldly and her priorities are not our own.  That does not mean she is to be feared but her power must be respected.  If we make a vow to her, it must be kept.

She is reversed for me which suggests that the vow I must keep is one I made to myself.  She is reminding me that the essence of my heart’s desire need to water my own heart.  How often we put ourselves out to help other achieve their dreams or hearts’ desires while we ignore our own.  It is so easy to put aside our dreams and desires because we aren’t important.  Why do we do this to ourselves?  I’m not sure but I’m certainly as guilty of it as many others (especially women)

Strength reversed reinforces her message of a few days ago – inner strength can become a trap when it prevents us from admitting we need assistance or can’t do something alone.  Even the wildest nature sometimes needs a harbor from the storm and might benefit from a helping hand.  I know I’m strong enough to endure whatever life tosses my way but who wants to endure?  I want to thrive and live my life to the fullest.  Perhaps that’s only truly possibly when one can admit no matter how strong we are, everyone can use support, sympathy and guidance.

Looking at the image of Somavila on this card I was struck by how pert she looks standing with her hands on her hips behind a large bear.  She is unafraid and even seem amused that we might fear the bear.  She knows its heart and is confident it will not harm her.  Perhaps she reminds me that knowing what is in my own heart will not harm me either.

The combined forces of these two ladies tell me that I need to work on keeping vows I made to myself.  They are important and vital to maintaining my wild, succulent juiciness (yes I’m a SARK fan).  I need to embrace those vows and let them help transform my life from one of endurance to one of exuberance.  They also remind me that even the greatest legendary heroes and heroines had help on their journeys.  There is no shame in seeking aid and guidance.  The shame is not availing yourself of what is available because of a false sense of pride.

Ghosts & Spirits 5 of Pentacles Ghosts & Spirits King of Swords

Okay so let me see, if I want to be happy and celebrate my gifts today I need to let go and move on and not lose my head about things?  That sounds about right.

Lisa Hunt illustrated the 5 of Pentacles using the story of the Unquiet Grave in which a man’s inability to stop mourning his lose love prevents her from moving on.  Yesterday I addressed how the lingering ghosts of Christmases Past have often undermined my own ability to move on.  I think this card is reinforcing the message that it’s time to release that negative energy and find a way to manifest new memories and new joys in my life.

The Headless Horseman shown on the King of Swords reminds me to use my brain and stop torturing myself.  It’s also symbolic of the power of illusion.  In Washington Irving’s original tale the Horseman’s legend used to scare off a superstitious Ichabod Crane.  Brom is described as looking “exceedingly knowing’ whenever the tale is told implying he impersonated the Horseman to rid the village of Crane, his rival for Katrina’s hand.  That in no way diminishes the power of the legend.  Indeed it might even strengthen it because it adds the power of belief.

How often have people sabotaged themselves because they believed in something negative about themselves?  We often created self-fulfilling prophecies and then point to them as proof that we didn’t deserve any better.  It’s difficult enough when others see us through the lenses of their perceptions of us.  How much worse is the damage we cause ourselves when we begin to believe these perceptions and manifest them in our lives?

If I want to stop making my life about the past and an ability to let go then I will be creating a scary and haunted future.  If I use my head and change my mindset, then I can become the master of my own future and not allow the legends of others or my own past to hold me back.

My affirmation:  I let go of the sadness of the past and what is lost, putting my mind towards created a limitless future.

Pondering the week

The last few days have been quite revealing and insightful at least from a Tarot perspective. In response to my daily queries focusing on how I should use my energy, I have drawn the 8 of Wands reversed crossed by The Wheel, Temperance crossed by The Emperor reversed, 7 of Pentacles crossed by Death reversed, and the 9 of Cups reversed, 3 of Cups reversed and Judgment.

Without going into details about what each daily reading means, the overall sense I get is one of blocked progress, energy denied. I think what the cards are trying to let me know is that my usual method of doing things, my normal priorities and even my former lifestyle are just not going to be useful right now. The circumstances in my life preclude putting that energy to use in the external world. In other words finding an outside job or becoming involved in community activities or groups that require in-person participation are probably not a good idea right now.

So that means I need to find other ways of meeting my needs and finding fulfillment. I need to explore new ways of expressing my creativity and manifesting my dreams. I need to also find creative ways to generate some income in my life. Obviously a 9-5 traditional job will not work for me at this time.

I feel like a river that has been dammed and hasn’t yet found a new outlet or new path to the sea. I know it will happen but I’m so unsure and confused about which way to look. This is an area I need to do more research and inquiry. Perhaps it’s time to explore answers from the Tarot and other mediums as well. I suppose time will tell.

Fairy Lights Queen of Swords Fairy Lights Magician

 

The Queen of Swords reversed – I guess it’s time to sheath my tongue and relax a bit; time to focus more on the nurturing and supportive aspects of my personality and less on the intellectual and more focused aspects. Or maybe that’s not it. Maybe what she’s trying to tell me is not about focusing on external matters. Instead she may be pointing out that I need to start communicating with myself, getting inside my own head.

The Magician reminds me that in order for me to control my world, to work the magic I seek in my life I must first work out some sort of arrangement with the Queen of Swords. It’s curious but looking at both images they seem to be wearing similar outfits – modified and whimsical ballet tutus. As I child I remember being disconsolate because my mother would not buy me a tutu. I had just signed up for ballet classes and had dreams of becoming a prima ballerina (well I don’t know if my dreams were that clear but I definitely wanted to be a princess ballerina and a princess ballerina needs a tutu!!). My mother still talks about the pleading I did in the department store begging her for a tutu. My grandmother even offered to buy it for me (my memory is that is was a rainbow colored little girl’s dream) but Mom turned down her offer.

Looking back I understand that there were many reasons I didn’t get that tutu, not the least of which was financial. However looking at these two images I am again reminded of the tutu denied. If the tutu represents my dreams then these two figures are reminding me that in order to attain my dream I need to be clear on what those dreams are and then work towards them. It’s not simply about donning the proper costume, you must also have the skills, focus and abilities to put it to good use. Even if I had gotten that rainbow tutu I would not have become a ballerina. I enjoyed taking dance classes and was a decent dancer but I never had the determination and drive necessary to be more than a decent amateur. However that doesn’t mean I can’t achieve other dreams; more realistic dreams. I simply need to clarify what they are and then focus and communicate with myself to see how I can manifest them in my life.

Fairy Lights Knigt of Pentacles Fairy Lights Chariot

 

I love this Knight of Pentacles. He is charging forward on a rampant lion, ready to do battle. He is fully covered by his armor; practicality and safety always foremost in his mind even when he’s saving the world. He and the lion move as one being; perfectly in sync with each other.

The Knight of Pentacles has always reminded me of my hubby. He is very solid and practical and reliable but when he is passionate about something he becomes so focused that nothing stands in his way. He may charge into the fray but he doesn’t do so in a heedless or risky manner. He is methodical and careful. Reversed this card may be letting me know that these are traits I may need to cultivate but right now I’m not utilizing them to the best of my ability. In fact I may even be blocking them from manifesting.

The Charioteer is riding along the top of a wave reining in two orbs blasting out rays of light. If they are horses, they are not visible as such. The Charioteer seems to have achieved balance between controlling these orbs and allowing them to have their head. There seems to be a trust implicit in this relationship. The Charioteer trusts that the orbs will take him where he needs to go, even if he doesn’t realize that is his destination.

So if I combine these two cards, then I take their message to be that I need to learn how to harness my fiery energy in a practical, methodical way that will allow me to become the charioteer in my own life. If I want to steer the course of my life or at least feel that I’m going in the right direction, then I need to become more effective at harnessing my energy, passion and creativity in a grounded and practical way.

08 Illuminati 6 of Cups

 

I think these cards are a reminder that I can only do so much by myself. I think I’m reaching the limits of my strength and fortitude. I have endured and hung in there but I’m burning out. I’m still fighting the same battle and almost nothing external has changed. However I do think I’ve finally learned some useful techniques to deal with this situation.

Instead of trying to tame things and bend them to my will, I’ve become more flexible and fluid but I still prefer a slightly more organized, orderly and structured life. I like clear boundaries and they don’t exist in this situation.

The 6 of Cups points out that on one level I’m still seeing things through the eyes of the past, of memories & nostalgia. My mother-in-law will never again be the woman she was when I first met her. I have to stop reacting to her as though she is that woman. On another level it’s pointing out that our roles have been reversed. She has become the child in this relationship and we’ve become the parent. That is a difficult transition to navigate – for all of us.

Introversion vs. extroverion

Tarot of the Secret Forest Empress Tarot Illuminati Hermit

My need to be creative, productive, and nurturing is battling with my need to be alone.  I know exactly what this means.  This weekend I’m scheduled to spend the weekend with friends in a creativity, brainstorming and support fest.  We’re planning to help each other develop our professional sides and develop a creative and thriving business.  we are each trying to set up businesses that will allow us to be flexible, prosperous and tap into our somewhat unorthodox interests.

My goal is to build a business as a professional Tarot reader.  I’ve already taken some steps towards achieving that goal but I know there is more that I can do.  Part of my challenge is simply that my family obligations don’t leave me with a lot of free time to schedule potential customers.  So I haven’t put that out there yet.  What  I need to figure out is what I can do in the meantime.

For the last two days I’ve been having second thoughts about going.  I’m feeling anxious about attending and spending time with these women.  I’m not sure why.  Sometimes I do develop a deep desire for solitude and my introverted side becomes very prominent.  Sleepovers have always caused me a certain amount of anxiety.  As a child I often called my mother halfway through the night to pick me up.  I eventually was able to control the urge to do this but whenever I am staying away from home the anxiety returns.

Whichever choice I make, hopefully I’ll learn something useful and transformative from the experience.  I suppose the most important factor is not which choice I make but how I use my time once I’ve made it.  I can attend this weekend and keep myself blocked and resistant resulting in nothing useful being gained.  I could stay home and do some exercises, research and actually use listen to some of the podcasts and tapes I’ve got.  Who knows how I’ll feel in a day or two?  I may shift back into extrovert mode and this will become a moot point.

Dance of Life Sage of Money & the Material WorldTarot of the Secret Forest 2 of Wands

I’ve decided to change things up a bit for my daily card readings.  In the past I had pulled the same card from two different decks and comparing them.  That’s grown a bit stale for me so instead I will now be doing a weekly spread pulling a card for each day of the week on Monday (but I will only turn one card over at a time).  Then I will use a second deck to pull a daily card that can serve as a modifier to the first.

So my card for today from the weekly spread is the Sage of Money & the Material World reversed.  In a traditional deck this would be the King of Pentacles.  This accurately reflects my financial situation at this time – I’m broke.  Things will turn around shortly but I’m waiting for some checks to clear and until they do I’m in very tight financial straits.  Not fun by any means (it is frustrating to have so little control over one’s financial situation even if it’s only for a day).  On the other hand at least I know it’s a temporary situation (well for now anyway).

The image for this card shows an older, bearded man wearing a turban.  He expression seems sharp but piercing, as though he can see through your personal bullshit and find the truths we often hide from ourselves.  I have a sense that he is telling me that I could have avoided this situation if I took a more practical, planned approach to my finances.  I sometimes go in mini-binges and spend money for things I don’t need but that behavior comes back to bite me on the ass later in the month.  I’m getting better about this but sometimes I still struggle with it.  His clear-eyed, somewhat stern gaze is calling me to task because I know better and I know I know better.

The Tarot of the Secret Forest 2 of Wands shows a white owl in flight near a dark tree.  The owl appears to be landing or has her claws extended to grasp something (perhaps prey?).  For some reason this image reminds me of the human soul and how it needs to soar free and seek inspiration and beauty in the world so it can thrive.  The owl seems almost ghostly, a messenger from the Otherworld seeking to remind me that my spirit doesn’t need possessions to soar.

The combined message I get from these two cards is that I need to stop focusing on “things” and buying stuff.  My spirit doesn’t need them to be happy.  Instead I need to focus on feeling my soul, allowing it to spread it wings and fly free.  I need to tap into my creative side and allow it to feed, to seek those dark somewhat scary places within myself and see what it can find.  It’s not true that whoever has the most toys wins.  Instead the truth is that whoever gets the most joy our of their lives wins.  In fact I think the most stuff we have, the more these things start to own us instead of the other way around.  It’s time to lighten up and let go of some stuff.  I’ve already started this process but perhaps it’s time to expand it into other areas as well.

Instead of clinging to old habits such as soothing myself with stuff, I need to tap into that joy and allow it to spread its glorious wings throughout my life.  It’s about loving what I do and who I am not doing things to make money so I can distract myself from my unhappiness by buying stuff (or eating stuff for that matter).

The Hermit is looking for me

Sevenfold HermitSteampunk Inventor

Looking at the images on these cards, the sense of isolation and determination present in both figures struck me. The Inventor is certainly surrounded by a more splendrous isolation accompanied only by his cat. He seems content in his isolation – perhaps he is more focused on his inventions than his surroundings. I get the sense of someone who others appreciate and honor for his inventions but who has no interest in the rewards. His focus is on the act of inventing. The Sevenfold Hermit is more traditional in appearance. He walks through the wilderness with only his star for companionship. He focuses on that star and appears oblivious to his surroundings.

Both cards seem to carry a message of focus and determination; a willingness to ignore all distractions. This has not been my modus operandi lately. I seem to have developed a temporary case of ADD – I am allowing myself to become distracted by all kinds of stimuli. Rather than focusing on what I need to for myself, I put it off and focus on superficial matters. I think both these cards are reminding me that I need to regain my focus and start moving forward. I have to stop waiting for someone else to come along with me or help me and just keep going on my own.

This is the second time in the past few days that I’ve pulled the Hermit/Inventor. Obviously my theme this month is repeat messages which suggests that the Universe feels I’m ignoring or not understanding them clearly the first time. From these cards I get the sense that I need to focus on spiritual matters. I need to get focused and start actually performing my daily devotionals and rituals. I know that I feel better when I do these things and yet I keep putting them off. In fact I do the same thing when it comes to dietary/health issues too. Hmm, perhaps these two are pointing out that I know what path I need to take and the direction I need to follow. What I need to do now is start down the road. The time for procrastination is past and I need to set off in pursuit of a healthier, happier, more fulfilling future.

 

My voice as a Tarot reader is The Empress?  No frickin’ way!!  This stopped me in my tracks because I still have some challenges embracing her energies.  Of course that is my issue, not hers.  It’s taken me a while to see her energies as something beyond Big Mama and to see maternal energies as more than just the self-sacrificing, child-focused mother.  So many of the mothers with whom I’ve interacted are the types who subsume their desires and needs to their children’s.  Their lives revolve around their children and they want to protect their children and shield them from the sometimes harsh realities of life.  This type of mother is anathema to me.  I don’t comprehend her mindset and cannot share her perspective on life.

Of course that is not the type of mother I’d be if I had children (at least I can’t believe I’d be that way based on my personality) and I don’t think the Tarot is telling me to become that type of mother.  I think The Empress is reminding me that there are different types of mothering and I need to find my own unique approach and share that with my clients.  I’m more of a tough love, no nonsense type of Empress.  I will nurture and support but there will come a time when it may cease to be unconditional.  If I feel someone is taking advantage of me or abusing our relationship, I will eventually cut those ties.  I have limits to my patience and understanding.  I also try enable people in unhealthy behaviors (although sometimes I may come off like Roseanne Barr).

I need to find the happy medium – being nurturing and no nonsense, loving and firm.  I want my clients to feel that I’m approachable but I don’t want them to see me as a crutch.  I want to be able to help them through their dark times and crises but I also want them to realize my goal is not to fix things for them.  My focus now needs to be on communicating that to potential clients via my website, informational materials and readings.  Hmm, I must ponder this further.

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